Comparison

I had a pretty difficult childhood. I was forced into situations that were abnormal for a young girl. Im not complaining, these things made me into who I need to be. 

Still, I remember being frustrated at my friends feeling the need to qualify their pain in front of me. It would be something along the lines of "I'm so stressed with all this responsibility! But it's nothing compared to what you've been through..." Or even worse, they would refuse to tell me about their struggles because they felt they were petty. I hated the idea that my story made them feel their story was less important. 

But despite all that, I did the same thing. If I spoke about my hurt it was always with the caveat that other people in third world countries had it worse. I'd tell people that honestly my life has been a cakewalk because I've never been trafficked, beat, or starved. 

On rare occasions, this thinking can be helpful. When life is so unbearable that you can't take another day, there is comfort in knowing that someone else went through worse and survived. It's a good tool when you've hit rock bottom, but I think it's harmful if used for the long-term. If we always compare our pain to someone else's then we take away what our pain has to teach us. Rather than blowing off our struggles, we should be digging into them; we should find out how we can learn for next time and which parts of us need to be made stronger. 

When a 16 year old breaks up with her significant other, she is experiencing the deepest pain she has  ever known. If we tell her to suck it up and that its normal, she will generally go from one relationship to the next, allowing the pain to increase with each partner. Brought to the extreme, for many this leads to abusive relationships that are "normal" in the mind of the abused. What if instead we addressed this teenager's struggle for what it is? We can tell her that we are sorry she hurts and that we can't take the pain away, but that through this she can learn about vulnerability, trust, and healthy boundaries. Rather than comparing her hurt to the rest of the world, she can allow it to make her a stronger, happier person. 

Again, I'm not trying to negate the struggles of the third world. My heart breaks for the malnourished child, the wounded soldier, and the trafficked woman. I'm just saying that we all know pain on whatever scale our life has handed us. We also all know great joy and hope. Let's stop comparing our stories and instead make better ones. 

But have you asked Jesus into your heart?

This past week during a house-visit in the community I came across a woman who had it pointed out to her that she had not yet "asked Jesus into her heart". She was terrified because she was told that due to her not having done this, her name was not yet in the book of heaven. This woman had become a Christ follower two years ago, she changed her whole life and consistently worked to deepen her faith. Now, her entire spiritual journey was brought into question because she didn't say a phrase that she had never even been taught. I admired her drive to know God, but was saddened by how much one little phrase could mess with her faith. 

The phrase "ask Jesus into your heart" is not in the bible. Don't believe me? I'll pay you $100 if you can find it. The bible does in one place have slightly similar wording, but not in this context and definitely not in relation to salvation. The idea of a god who decides your fate based on one phrase is honestly abhorrent to me. Imagine a god so petty that he will only let you into the club when you repeat his little mantra; like a 7 year old that won't give her brother candy until he repeats back, "you are the best sister in the whole world". It's a funny image when it's a 7 year old child, a terrifying image when it's the all-powerful maker of the universe. 

Now, please don't take this as me beating my chest against people who use this Sinner's Prayer. I led my fair share of people in this prayer back in the day. Also, if I'm being honest, I do find the idea to be beautiful. This concept that your heart can become one with the divine. Imagine if our hearts were always after the heart of Jesus, wanting the best for the most trampled upon. While simultaneously knowing that God's heart deeply cares for our own hurts and hopes. 

The phrase itself is not what makes me upset. What does make me angry is all of the rules and regulations put on faith. 

Don't dance or you're not a Christian. 

You have to dance to show that you feel the spirit.  

Don't drink or do drugs because then God will be angry with you. 

You have to drink so you can minister to the secular world. 

Don't say these words. 

Say these words in this order and you're set for life. 

How can anyone keep up with it all? 

I used to have a faith of rules. Do this thing, don't do that one, know this theology and you're definitely in. It's exhausting. More than that, it's damaging. My faith has become bigger as my God has become less petty. Now I see the divine as truly loving and inclusive. I think it's beautiful that people have a desire to know more and gain wisdom, learning new phrases and explanations. But let's not let our knowledge or rules impede our Love. 

You are not bad.

"Bad Luka!", Jaydon yelled at his older brother. I don't even remember what the altercation was, Luka had hurt his younger brother or maybe taken one of his toys, the type of thing that's a big deal for a child. Jaydon's response to being harmed was to tell his brother he was bad. The way their mom stepped in was beautiful, "No Jay, Luka is not bad. He did something he shouldn't have and needs to take responsibility for his actions." They went on to go through apologizing and forgiving with their mom's guidance. It was such a perfect display of loving parenting, I actually started to tear up.

It is so easy to say someone is bad when they do something we consider wrong. That man is bad because he isn't fair in business, that child is bad because they don't share, that girl is bad because she makes money in the sex industry, it goes on an on... We consider these people who we don't agree with to be bad people. The worst part of it all is, oftentimes they will believe it.

Once someone is trapped in shame, they won't fight to change. Shame says I am bad, guilt says I did something bad. While guilt is healthy from time to time, I don't think there is ever an appropriate time for shame. Shame steals our value from us, it tells us we are bad, worthless beings who can never be more than what we are. If I am intrinsically bad or broken, why should I fight for wholeness?

This is, in my opinion, the biggest problem in Cambodia. Yes, there is poverty, trafficking, corruption, all of those things... but I believe that the worst of Cambodia's problems stem from shame. The belief here is that any difficulty you go through is your fault, because you were bad in a past life. It leaves people believing they deserve abuse and poverty. It's the reason someone will be sold into slavery by a family member and not put up a fight, because they believe this is what they deserve for who they are.

Then enters Christianity, this idea of a God who loves a person on an individual level. A God who thinks you are worth creating by hand, each little freckle. This God finds value in you, believing that  you deserve to live life to the fullest in whatever situation you have been given. There is a power within you that is so bright and beautiful that the only way to fully express it is to love others. This idea is so radical that a lot of  people won't believe it, but the ones who do are forever changed.

I'm not saying that converting someone to Christianity will immediately fix all of their problems. Steps still need to be taken toward freeing people. Brothels need to be raided, women need to be trained in a trade, family's need loans to pull themselves out of debt. But far too often the sex-slave whose brothel is raided will go back into the sex-industry because of shame, because she doesn't feel she deserves to do anything else with her life. This is where some Good News is so important.

You are valuable.
You are worth loving.
You are not bad.

And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. 

God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. 

1 John 4:16

What we leave behind.

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind."
-C.S. Lewis

I'm a huge fan of Clive's. I always appreciated that quote from him. When life was tough, it was statements like this that made me hopeful there was something to go on for. Quotes like this allow us to believe that the suffering in our past doesn't have to define us because it propels us to our future, a constant upward curve. There was a time when I needed these beliefs to get through the day.

I still love C.S., but I'm going to disagree with him this time.

Our painful past does propel us toward our hopeful future, but this isn't a constant pattern. Sometimes you stand on a beautiful mountaintop, and that leads you into the terror of falling down a cliff. Sometimes you go through abuse and heartache, but find that it opens you up to more love than you could have experienced ever before. We aren't on an upward curve, we are in an abstract art piece with vibrant colors and shades of gray- a swirling, non-sensical exhibit.

I used to have very little anger toward anyone, but unbeknownst to me I was making others feel like they didn't belong or weren't valuable.
Now I am more inclusive and caring than I've ever been toward the oppressed and abused, but I battle with anger toward the affluent and judgmental every day.
Which is better?
Neither, both were necessary and both are still a part of me from time to time. I don't have to tear down who I was to validate who I am. All I can do is constantly move in the ways I am led, fight for forward motion, and nurse my wounds when I fall backwards.

Over the past year I have met some incredible people who have slowly helped me reshape how I view and interact with the world. I have found a community in places I never would have expected, with more wonderfully complex people than I thought I'd ever know. The thing that has stuck out to me in these communities more than anything else is the idea that we don't have to tear down one thing to build another. Red doesn't have to be bad for blue to be good, they can both be beautiful.

In a few minutes I will board a plane that will cross the ocean and take me to my new home for now, Cambodia. It would be easy for me to tell myself that what I'm going to is better than what I'm leaving. But what I'm leaving is some pretty amazing people. I'm saying goodbye to friends that are okay with my dark spaces, and a family that is more supportive and loving than any I've ever seen.  I'm saying hello to a long-held dream finally being fulfilled. I wouldn't give up either experience for the world.

What we leave behind is a beautiful mess, what we see ahead is a beautiful mess. Each season is full of tears, goodbyes, and scars. It is all worth it for the joy and love found in the madness.

Dealing With Pain

One of my biggest struggles over the past few years has been pain in the world. When you're exposed to massive natural disasters, enslaved children, corrupt government, and extreme poverty, you begin to feel pretty sick inside. You begin to realize how dark life is. Maybe you even go so far as to wonder how a loving God would allow all of this.

I don't know why God allows some things and not others. I don't know why some people are overcome by addiction and others carry on. I don't know why some children are sold and others are cared for. I don't know why some people are born into the third-world and others into the first-world. On this side of heaven, I will probably never have answers to these questions.

But here is what I do know, I know that each of us has an opportunity to act on the injustice we see. Especially if you are affluent enough to have the means to read a blog in the first place, you have more power than you will ever know; You have the power to buy fair-trade, to tell people of injustice, to fund worthy causes, to spend time volunteering for others.

This is the beauty of it all. When we are overwhelmed by the pain in this world, we can instead choose to be overwhelmed by the opportunities for good everywhere we go. Let's get excited, because all around us there are people who are hungry, naked, sick, and imprisoned... we have been given the beautiful opportunity of caring for those people.

For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’

 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

“The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

But why?

When I tell people that I am moving to Cambodia, one of the first questions is always "why?". It's incredible how a one word question can have so many different explanations.

The thing I am going to do is show justice where I can. I will be working in villages with people who haven't been dealt the best hand in life, lending them my hands where I can.

The reason I'm going is because this is all I have ever wanted to do. At the ripe age of 7 I explained to my family that I was going to be a "missionary". I actually told them I was going to have a "business where I helped people for Jesus", I didn't realize at the time that there was already a title for that job. The ways I have wanted to do this have changed through the years, at one time I thought I would be a teacher in Africa, then a Doctor in Cambodia, then a relief worker throughout the world. I may still do all those things, I'm starting here though.

But there is still more to the "why" question. Why now at 21 years old? Why Cambodia? Why this work in particular? This is where the story gets more details.

When I was 17 I went to the beautiful Kingdom of Cambodia with an organization called Steps Of Justice (SOJ). I saw injustice in the world in a way I never had. I saw what a country looks like when it is recovering from genocide, I saw child sex slavery and corrupt government. More than that, I saw a people who are so loving and open to what life may offer them. People who want to care, who want to share what they have and work toward something more.

I came back from Cambodia shattered. For the first time in my life, I felt homesickness, I learned that you can actually miss a place. I went a couple times more on short trips, trying to get a fix of what I needed without truly leaving everything happening back home.

Then I went on with my life.

During all of this time I was going through a restructuring of my faith and beliefs. Figuring out where I really stood, letting go of some long-held ideas and finding new places to put my trust. I was sorting out things with the God I've grown up with, some of them I am still trying to work through.

Last summer (2015) I went to Cambodia again. And while I was there an event with a couple friends exposed some things I needed to let go of. I realized that I was taking on caring for my family when I didn't need to anymore. I was holding on to the thought of being with them and not willing to trust that they could be taken care of by God and each other. I selfishly believed that my world would implode if I left it. I needed to cut the cord, I had to take a leap of faith and lovingly walk away.

Of course I, in my infinite knowledge, assumed that moving on meant moving to an apartment down the street from my family and getting a new job.

I had it all planned out, I would move into my own place for a year or so, maybe go back to school or try another career out. In a few years when I was more established and had a good savings I would go move to Cambodia for a year, once I had already gotten used to being away from home.

One morning I was in a prayerful meditation. While in that state, the guide said to envision someone I was having a difficult time with right next to me, to picture them along side me in a peaceful and caring state. As crazy as it sounds, I saw God in that moment. Not a face or a person, but a collection of colors, images, and feelings that I have no other word for. The world melted away and somehow the future was a memory, the past was colors, and the entire world was feelings. It was the most bizarre spiritual encounter I have ever experienced, I still don't know how to fully explain all that happened. Afterwards, I felt the purest peace, and for some reason Cambodia had been brought back to the forefront of my mind; I couldn't shake the thought that I needed to go back. I decided that the next time I went (I assumed in a year or two) I would stay for a while.

I took a day to recover from all of this, then, the next morning I get an email from my dear friend Phil at SOJ. Phil was asking if I could co-lead a trip to Cambodia this year. I remember sitting on my bed after receiving this email thinking about the coincidence of it all. How strange that an experience would lead me to decide I was moving to Cambodia the next time I went, and the very next day I am asked to come back this year? I decided this was too much to deal with in that moment, to shake it off and check my work Skypes/emails. The very first Skype I had was from a very close family friend and coworker saying that he felt he needed to tell me to go back to Cambodia soon, that in this phase of life I that should be my next season.

Keep in mind that all of these events happened within a span of less than 72 hours, when I had not thought deeply about Cambodia for months. Even then, I had only thought about it in the sense of a someday. I'm not usually one to think of every coincidence as a spiritual incident, I actually tend to lean more towards the world acting more or less on it's own and us deciding how to respond on our own whims. But it was undeniable that something was going on here. Even if it was only a coincidence, I knew that I could never live with myself if I didn't act on it.

So I responded, I said I'd love to help and I just may stay. I decided that I needed to take the first step toward the life I wanted. I started to tell my family and friends that this was the plan. And now I have been spending the last few months making arrangements to leave.

Now here I am. In a matter of weeks I am moving a world away to step into a place of simultaneous pain and joy.

Why?

Because there is more to this earth than we can see in the first-world.
Because there is more comfort in crazy leaps than monotonous days.
Because there is sometimes more love in leaving than staying.
Because there is more life in stepping outside of yourself than being comfortable.
This is my why.

You should start a blog.

I've never been one for posting my life to the world. I get on Facebook every month or two, and I still don't understand Instagram or Twitter. The only blog posts I have ever written are in a private page and are more diary entries than anything else.

But recently a new friend of mine said that I should write about my journey to Cambodia. She said that other people would be inspired by the story and maybe learn from it if they decided to make the same move. More than that, she thought it would be good to document it for myself. I decided she was right.

Years from now I will look back at how naive and excited I was. In the meantime, you can all ride along through theses posts.

It will be quite an adventure. :)