Upstream

I was first drawn to Cambodia when I heard about the crisis of children being trafficked into sexual slavery. When I came I met an organization whose primary focus was rescuing and rehabilitating these children. They spoke about how after some time of rescuing children from brothels, they asked themselves "how do we stop these children from being trafficked in the first place?". When explaining this they used the analogy of a stream.

If you are standing in a stream and see a drowning child, you rescue them. As more children come downstream you continue to save them. Until it becomes too much and you have to ask yourself, what is happening upstream that is causing this catastrophe? And that is when you dig in your heels and go against the current. That's when you do the hard work of looking at underlying issues and advocating for the innocent.

The prayer for, rescue of, and rehabilitation of these abused children is important and critical. But eventually they needed to move beyond that. 

For each shooting that has happened in recent years, I have wept. I have prayed and cried and mourned for the families and friends who have lost innocent loved ones to gun violence. 

When the Las Vegas shooting happened in October I was speaking to a friend in utter despair. She said she was so angry that people use these terrible events to further political agendas. I didn't fully understand what she was talking about and agreed that there is a time to mourn and a time for politics. 

But what I have learned in my time of working for justice overseas is that we can mourn the loss of today at the same time that we are advocating for a better future; the two are not mutually exclusive. In fact, they go hand in hand. 

It is not enough anymore to send a prayer and shed a tear for lives lost. It is time to say that these lives are valuable enough that we cannot stand to lose another to needless gun violence. 

I used to think it was disrespectful to use catastrophe to discuss politics. 

I now see that we must discuss politics to prevent future catastrophes and honor those we have lost. 

I used to think I could avoid politics and instead advocate for justice. 

I now see that while politics and justice are often enemies, we the people have the power to make them allies. 

The ball is now in our court. How will we use our actions and voices to advocate for the lives lost? Because these empty tears are not enough anymore... Maybe they never were.

http://www.bbc.com/news/av/world-us-canada-41474594/las-vegas-how-us-mass-shootings-are-getting-worse

https://everytown.org/learn/

https://www.gofundme.com/stonemandouglasvictimsfund

Sealed

Seal /siːl/ noun Definition:

1. a device or substance that is used to join two things together so as to prevent them coming apart or to prevent anything passing between them. 

2. a piece of wax, lead, or other material with an individual design stamped into it, attached to a document as a guarantee of authenticity.

I have news! I have been accepted into the Center for Action and Contemplation's Living School.

I applied to this school last fall after an intense month of fasting and prayer. I spent a lot of time trying to understand my motivations, to make sure I wasn't doing this as an escape, a form of validation, or an ego boost. After a lot of soul searching, I decided that I needed to take steps toward things that would bring a greater wholeness and inner healing, rather than outward service. For a time at least, I knew I needed to learn to receive and grow. I realized that I have spent a lot of time trying to bring people a peace and healing that I have not fully received myself. If I truly want to help people and love them and bring about new life, I need to fully experience that within myself.

So I applied, unsure of whether I would be accepted (the tradition of this school generally includes folks who are older and have more life experience). I decided that if I was accepted, I was definitely going to move back to America in July of 2018 when the school began.

Now here I am. To my great surprise, I have been accepted. I am overjoyed at the opportunity to take part in this school with great spiritual teachers that I have followed for years. But at the same time, I am struggling deeply with leaving Cambodia.

Here in Cambodia I have drastically changed on a fundamental level. I was recently reading old private writings from when I first arrived, and I was shocked at how angry and chaotic my poor heart was. I used to carry so much fear, judgment, and shame. There was a disconnectedness within myself. And while I can look back at who I was with love, I also know how terribly broken she was. If I'm being honest, there is a part of me that is afraid of losing all of this growth when I leave the place that was the catalyst for my new life.

I'm still broken, but I am moving toward wholeness. I am learning to unite my spirit and my mind. Learning to be authentic and brave and full. While still struggling with the ego-driven need to explain my decision and validate my experience. In that I've been clinging to these images and analogies of what the next two years will be. I previously talked about how I was given the phrase that it will be a time of "cleaning the sacred spaces".

Yesterday I met an amazing woman who spent 16 years working in South Africa with the AIDS crisis (and a host of social issues stemming from that). She carried such an excitement and support for my journey, even after knowing me for only a few hours. She gave me the image of a seal, and said she believes that's what this journey will be for me. A time of sealing together my bond with the Divine, so that nothing threatens to separate these parts of myself. A time of bringing about unity and authenticity.

I've got to tell you guys- as scary as it is to look ahead to such a huge transition, it's also invigorating to know that there is so much more ahead than I ever could have known. I'm only at the beginning of this grand journey through life, and I am beyond amazed at all I have seen and have yet to see. All I have known and have yet to know. Thank you all for coming alongside me in this grand wilderness.