This week I received my login information for the Living School. This marks the beginning of a journey that I have been extremely excited for. It gives me hope for the future. As I read through the orientation a sense of peace rushed over me. I was reading materials written in a way that felt freeing and open. I saw the key figures of the school- theologians and teachers and scientists that I loved. How exciting to be with a group of people where I could finally discuss these things. What an amazing opportunity to be immersed in a world of deep healing and authentic discovery.
Then I read the directory, a list of the other students in my cohort. One of the names on the list looked familiar. I Googled it and realized this person was involved in projects that were well known and had been deeply impactful to me. They were a part of a movement I loved, making a difference in the world. I realized that this school is going to be full of unique and talented individuals. They are activists, writers, podcasters... They are people making a difference in the world. Suddenly an overwhelming sense of dread washed over me.
As soon as I arrive they are going to realize I don't belong here. There is one thing that has made me special, and that's the life I'm leaving. I'm an imposter. A shallow, confused girl entering into a school of enlightened and successful people.
I have to be honest, I spent the better part of the day stewing in this shame spiral. Telling myself I wasn't going to measure up, I didn't have enough life experience, and I wasn't as deep as I would like to believe.
So I stepped away from the computer. I did my yoga practice and spent some time in prayer. I was able to sit in the freeing loss of self that occasionally graces me during prayer. I realized that this incessant need to be enough is the exact reason I'm leaving Cambodia and going to this alternative school.
I spent so long building the life I always dreamed of. I became the successful student, I became the caretaker, I became the missionary- I became the person I always wanted to be. Only to realize that I was fighting for an image of myself. I was filling myself up with good deeds that never quite satisfied. I thought that if I worked hard enough, maybe I could finally earn the love I missed out on. The reality is I spent so long looking to myself to make me lovable, I never realized that Love was within me all along.
If I truly believe that the very Spirit of God is within me, if I see the face of Jesus in each person I meet, then there are no imposters. Because you and me have a value and love that is unshakeable. It isn't tied to the fickle feelings or passing success, it is the very core of who we were made to be, it is the Imago Dei.
So here I am, beginning from a place of utter humility, unknowing, and hope- the way all great adventures begin.
Then I read the directory, a list of the other students in my cohort. One of the names on the list looked familiar. I Googled it and realized this person was involved in projects that were well known and had been deeply impactful to me. They were a part of a movement I loved, making a difference in the world. I realized that this school is going to be full of unique and talented individuals. They are activists, writers, podcasters... They are people making a difference in the world. Suddenly an overwhelming sense of dread washed over me.
As soon as I arrive they are going to realize I don't belong here. There is one thing that has made me special, and that's the life I'm leaving. I'm an imposter. A shallow, confused girl entering into a school of enlightened and successful people.
I have to be honest, I spent the better part of the day stewing in this shame spiral. Telling myself I wasn't going to measure up, I didn't have enough life experience, and I wasn't as deep as I would like to believe.
So I stepped away from the computer. I did my yoga practice and spent some time in prayer. I was able to sit in the freeing loss of self that occasionally graces me during prayer. I realized that this incessant need to be enough is the exact reason I'm leaving Cambodia and going to this alternative school.
I spent so long building the life I always dreamed of. I became the successful student, I became the caretaker, I became the missionary- I became the person I always wanted to be. Only to realize that I was fighting for an image of myself. I was filling myself up with good deeds that never quite satisfied. I thought that if I worked hard enough, maybe I could finally earn the love I missed out on. The reality is I spent so long looking to myself to make me lovable, I never realized that Love was within me all along.
If I truly believe that the very Spirit of God is within me, if I see the face of Jesus in each person I meet, then there are no imposters. Because you and me have a value and love that is unshakeable. It isn't tied to the fickle feelings or passing success, it is the very core of who we were made to be, it is the Imago Dei.
So here I am, beginning from a place of utter humility, unknowing, and hope- the way all great adventures begin.
