"Is something wrong?"
My friend asked me this over and over in the beginning of our travels together. I was always taken aback because it was at times where all was well, and I was thoroughly enjoying myself. Yet she would still say she wanted to be sure, because she said my energy had changed. I continually insisted that I was feeling great.
As this continued I eventually asked her what about me changed that made her worry something was wrong. She explained that I would suddenly not talk at all, and just sit quietly. She was worried I was stuck in my head or upset about something. I thought about all of the times she had asked this and realized these were moments where I was fully and completely content.
I explained to her that in these moments where I was content and filled with the current situation, I would just sit in the peace of it and soak it all in. I love these moments, they are light and airy, yet also grounding.
I wondered why a friend of almost a decade didn't know that this is what happened when I was content. Then I realized that she had never seen me like this. Because truth be told, I only experienced contentment recently. I've always been someone who experiences emotions with intensity and odd mixtures. Happiness always carried a dark undertone because I told myself I wasn't deserving of it. Sadness carried a strange lightness because it felt familiar to me. There was always such a whiplash of emotions that I was never able to sit in the stillness of being... content.
In these recent years of healing I have found a new range of emotions that were never available to me before. I was jumping from suffering to mania so quickly that I missed all of the beauty of the emotions in between. Suddenly the world is much more vast and diverse than I ever realized.
I'm feeling amazed.
I'm feeling overjoyed.
I'm feeling content.
My friend asked me this over and over in the beginning of our travels together. I was always taken aback because it was at times where all was well, and I was thoroughly enjoying myself. Yet she would still say she wanted to be sure, because she said my energy had changed. I continually insisted that I was feeling great.
As this continued I eventually asked her what about me changed that made her worry something was wrong. She explained that I would suddenly not talk at all, and just sit quietly. She was worried I was stuck in my head or upset about something. I thought about all of the times she had asked this and realized these were moments where I was fully and completely content.
I explained to her that in these moments where I was content and filled with the current situation, I would just sit in the peace of it and soak it all in. I love these moments, they are light and airy, yet also grounding.
I wondered why a friend of almost a decade didn't know that this is what happened when I was content. Then I realized that she had never seen me like this. Because truth be told, I only experienced contentment recently. I've always been someone who experiences emotions with intensity and odd mixtures. Happiness always carried a dark undertone because I told myself I wasn't deserving of it. Sadness carried a strange lightness because it felt familiar to me. There was always such a whiplash of emotions that I was never able to sit in the stillness of being... content.
In these recent years of healing I have found a new range of emotions that were never available to me before. I was jumping from suffering to mania so quickly that I missed all of the beauty of the emotions in between. Suddenly the world is much more vast and diverse than I ever realized.
I'm feeling amazed.
I'm feeling overjoyed.
I'm feeling content.
