But have you asked Jesus into your heart?

This past week during a house-visit in the community I came across a woman who had it pointed out to her that she had not yet "asked Jesus into her heart". She was terrified because she was told that due to her not having done this, her name was not yet in the book of heaven. This woman had become a Christ follower two years ago, she changed her whole life and consistently worked to deepen her faith. Now, her entire spiritual journey was brought into question because she didn't say a phrase that she had never even been taught. I admired her drive to know God, but was saddened by how much one little phrase could mess with her faith. 

The phrase "ask Jesus into your heart" is not in the bible. Don't believe me? I'll pay you $100 if you can find it. The bible does in one place have slightly similar wording, but not in this context and definitely not in relation to salvation. The idea of a god who decides your fate based on one phrase is honestly abhorrent to me. Imagine a god so petty that he will only let you into the club when you repeat his little mantra; like a 7 year old that won't give her brother candy until he repeats back, "you are the best sister in the whole world". It's a funny image when it's a 7 year old child, a terrifying image when it's the all-powerful maker of the universe. 

Now, please don't take this as me beating my chest against people who use this Sinner's Prayer. I led my fair share of people in this prayer back in the day. Also, if I'm being honest, I do find the idea to be beautiful. This concept that your heart can become one with the divine. Imagine if our hearts were always after the heart of Jesus, wanting the best for the most trampled upon. While simultaneously knowing that God's heart deeply cares for our own hurts and hopes. 

The phrase itself is not what makes me upset. What does make me angry is all of the rules and regulations put on faith. 

Don't dance or you're not a Christian. 

You have to dance to show that you feel the spirit.  

Don't drink or do drugs because then God will be angry with you. 

You have to drink so you can minister to the secular world. 

Don't say these words. 

Say these words in this order and you're set for life. 

How can anyone keep up with it all? 

I used to have a faith of rules. Do this thing, don't do that one, know this theology and you're definitely in. It's exhausting. More than that, it's damaging. My faith has become bigger as my God has become less petty. Now I see the divine as truly loving and inclusive. I think it's beautiful that people have a desire to know more and gain wisdom, learning new phrases and explanations. But let's not let our knowledge or rules impede our Love. 

You are not bad.

"Bad Luka!", Jaydon yelled at his older brother. I don't even remember what the altercation was, Luka had hurt his younger brother or maybe taken one of his toys, the type of thing that's a big deal for a child. Jaydon's response to being harmed was to tell his brother he was bad. The way their mom stepped in was beautiful, "No Jay, Luka is not bad. He did something he shouldn't have and needs to take responsibility for his actions." They went on to go through apologizing and forgiving with their mom's guidance. It was such a perfect display of loving parenting, I actually started to tear up.

It is so easy to say someone is bad when they do something we consider wrong. That man is bad because he isn't fair in business, that child is bad because they don't share, that girl is bad because she makes money in the sex industry, it goes on an on... We consider these people who we don't agree with to be bad people. The worst part of it all is, oftentimes they will believe it.

Once someone is trapped in shame, they won't fight to change. Shame says I am bad, guilt says I did something bad. While guilt is healthy from time to time, I don't think there is ever an appropriate time for shame. Shame steals our value from us, it tells us we are bad, worthless beings who can never be more than what we are. If I am intrinsically bad or broken, why should I fight for wholeness?

This is, in my opinion, the biggest problem in Cambodia. Yes, there is poverty, trafficking, corruption, all of those things... but I believe that the worst of Cambodia's problems stem from shame. The belief here is that any difficulty you go through is your fault, because you were bad in a past life. It leaves people believing they deserve abuse and poverty. It's the reason someone will be sold into slavery by a family member and not put up a fight, because they believe this is what they deserve for who they are.

Then enters Christianity, this idea of a God who loves a person on an individual level. A God who thinks you are worth creating by hand, each little freckle. This God finds value in you, believing that  you deserve to live life to the fullest in whatever situation you have been given. There is a power within you that is so bright and beautiful that the only way to fully express it is to love others. This idea is so radical that a lot of  people won't believe it, but the ones who do are forever changed.

I'm not saying that converting someone to Christianity will immediately fix all of their problems. Steps still need to be taken toward freeing people. Brothels need to be raided, women need to be trained in a trade, family's need loans to pull themselves out of debt. But far too often the sex-slave whose brothel is raided will go back into the sex-industry because of shame, because she doesn't feel she deserves to do anything else with her life. This is where some Good News is so important.

You are valuable.
You are worth loving.
You are not bad.

And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. 

God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. 

1 John 4:16

What we leave behind.

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind."
-C.S. Lewis

I'm a huge fan of Clive's. I always appreciated that quote from him. When life was tough, it was statements like this that made me hopeful there was something to go on for. Quotes like this allow us to believe that the suffering in our past doesn't have to define us because it propels us to our future, a constant upward curve. There was a time when I needed these beliefs to get through the day.

I still love C.S., but I'm going to disagree with him this time.

Our painful past does propel us toward our hopeful future, but this isn't a constant pattern. Sometimes you stand on a beautiful mountaintop, and that leads you into the terror of falling down a cliff. Sometimes you go through abuse and heartache, but find that it opens you up to more love than you could have experienced ever before. We aren't on an upward curve, we are in an abstract art piece with vibrant colors and shades of gray- a swirling, non-sensical exhibit.

I used to have very little anger toward anyone, but unbeknownst to me I was making others feel like they didn't belong or weren't valuable.
Now I am more inclusive and caring than I've ever been toward the oppressed and abused, but I battle with anger toward the affluent and judgmental every day.
Which is better?
Neither, both were necessary and both are still a part of me from time to time. I don't have to tear down who I was to validate who I am. All I can do is constantly move in the ways I am led, fight for forward motion, and nurse my wounds when I fall backwards.

Over the past year I have met some incredible people who have slowly helped me reshape how I view and interact with the world. I have found a community in places I never would have expected, with more wonderfully complex people than I thought I'd ever know. The thing that has stuck out to me in these communities more than anything else is the idea that we don't have to tear down one thing to build another. Red doesn't have to be bad for blue to be good, they can both be beautiful.

In a few minutes I will board a plane that will cross the ocean and take me to my new home for now, Cambodia. It would be easy for me to tell myself that what I'm going to is better than what I'm leaving. But what I'm leaving is some pretty amazing people. I'm saying goodbye to friends that are okay with my dark spaces, and a family that is more supportive and loving than any I've ever seen.  I'm saying hello to a long-held dream finally being fulfilled. I wouldn't give up either experience for the world.

What we leave behind is a beautiful mess, what we see ahead is a beautiful mess. Each season is full of tears, goodbyes, and scars. It is all worth it for the joy and love found in the madness.