Wednesday, June 7, 2017

The Unanswered Questions

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer"
-Rainer Maria Rile

This year has certainly been one of new growth and realizations, but this month has been especially intense, as I've explored my connection to God and to the world around me. Two radically life changing things happened inside of me.

First, some interactions with a few dear friends on a mission trip team led me to discover my hidden motivations, the reasons I do what I do. Through this process, I came to the realization that I've been working furiously to prove myself. When I was young, someone I loved dearly said some very hurtful, abusive things. Their words accused me of being useless, selfish, and beyond redemption. My friend helped me see how I've been fighting against these words for the past ten years, trying to prove to the world that I'm useful, generous, and worthy. I think these are wonderful things; being useful, generous, and worthy are certainly something to aspire to. But I was doing them out of shame and fear, rather than from my wholeness. I was insecure, and frantically trying to fill that insecurity by proving something. Since seeing this motivation, I am working on going down the path of inner-healing. I am excited to see the person I continue to become as I work through this.

Second, I parted ways with the organization I've been with since January. At the time I joined them, the hope was for me to engage in social community-based programs to enable and empower children and families. These included a sewing program, soap distribution, and a school/kids center in a troubled village. Recently, the organization decided to narrow the scope of their ministry to focus primarily on well drilling and construction (homes and toilets). Both of these are wonderful things, but they're not where my heart is, and they're not my mission in the world. Those are not my passion, nor my strength. I think I have found that one of my main gifts to the world is that I connect with individuals, building relationships and helping people to see their own value. Rather than hide that gift, squelch my passion, and go off mission to get a job done, I decided it was best to leave the construction and well drilling in their capable hands and move on. The functions they perform are vital to the communities they work in, and they have an able staff who will ensure they succeed.

While I parted from this organization on good terms and still have the upmost respect for them, this was quite difficult for me. I have struggled with co-dependency, which means that it has been extremely difficult for me to say no and/or set boundaries. When I quit, it was the first time in my life that I left something or someone entirely of my own volition. It was breaking a pattern that I have had for years. I fully believe it was the right decision and have peace in it, but it wasn't easy.

Now, all that to say, it has been an exciting time! These hard things have brought me a very new awareness of myself. I am proud of myself for coming to terms with these things, and moving forward, but I have realized that I need to take some time to continue growing as an individual.

I went on a silent retreat this weekend, and it was truly a life changing experience. Through it, I was able to move a lot of things from head knowledge into my heart space, so they became deeply real to me – rather than simple facts. It was a beautiful time, and has given me a fresh perspective on so many things, most that I do not even know how to put into words. It has also shown me that I need to take the time to be – without using the busyness of life and work to make me feel valued.

Rather than moving to a new organization immediately, I am going to take some time to simply be. I will be leading visiting teams for the next month, but after that I will be taking a month without working for any specific organization. I have realized that I tend to place my identity in whatever project or work I am involved in. Since I was 12 years old I have had people that "needed" me. I haven't firmly established who I am, when I am not needed or helping someone, and I think it's time I did so.

I strongly believe in dying to yourself for something bigger (some call it God). But I also think that you must find yourself before you can fully lose yourself. I'm sorry if this doesn't make complete sense, as I'm simply allowing my heart to put the words on this page, without trying to filter them too much. I am coming into a time of unanswered questions. When people ask me what I do or how much longer I'll be in Cambodia, I don't know what I will tell them. But I choose to face the unknown in hopes of finding a fuller, more loving life.

I am so thankful for those of you who have already been so supportive in this journey. I am excited for all of the beautiful things this will lead to, and I'm even more excited for the process of getting there.