Today Cambodia is celebrating one of the biggest holidays of the year, it's called Pchum Benh. The city is a ghost town as almost everyone has gone back to their home province to celebrate with their families. It's the Christmas of Cambodia, all the family around the country and all the kids at university go back home to be with their family.
That being said, Pchum Benh is very different than a lot of holidays. The premise of Pchum Benh is that the underworld is somehow more open and that ancestors return to their family homes. If the family has done the necessary rituals of temple visits, sacrifices, etc... then they are safe. However, if the family's rituals were not enough or not done properly, the ancestors will curse them, bringing illness and bad fortune. The reality is that a lot of people are terrified of this holiday. They are nervous about not doing the right tasks or scared that their children won't take part as they should.
I have a friend who said when he first became Christian and didn't do the rituals, he was so scared that spirits were going to come for him during this holiday, he would have nightmares about the consequences of his inaction.
Now a lot of my readers in the Western world will read this and think of it as primitive, maybe even silly. But really, it's not that far fetched. When we act out of fear, we do crazy things to try and protect ourselves. Things that are counterintuitive and don't make logical sense.
My heart is broken for my country right now because a majority of it is living out of fear. We are afraid of terrorists, so we discriminate against an entire people group. Tell me how that makes sense? Fear is a powerful force. It makes us do things that we believe will protect us, whether there is evidence of that protection or not.
I used to live a large portion of my life out of fear. I won't leave this house because I'm afraid of who will be the scapegoat if I do. I won't leave this relationship because I'm afraid of what you will do to yourself if I do. I won't go for that new job because I'm afraid of hurting the people at my old job. The list goes on... I just primarily made decisions based on what I thought would be the least scary option. That's how Cambodian culture lives, right now that is American politics. It's a terrible way to live.
Suppose we lived out of anticipation rather than fear? Instead of being afraid of what the changes will bring, what if we got excited about the adventures ahead? Some of the best experiences of my life have been the times when nothing went according to plan, and that's okay. I think it's time we looked in the mirror and figured out why we are doing the things we are, whether it be a job, relationships, education, etc... If we are doing it out of fear, let's let it go. Life is too short to live afraid.
Thursday, September 29, 2016
Monday, September 19, 2016
They Call Me Mercy
My name, Mercedes, means "mercies" or "mercy". Growing up my mom and her side of the family called me Mercy, it was always a little endearing and special.
When I first came here, I very quickly realized that "Mercedes" was very difficult for Cambodians to say. "Cedes" wasn't any easier, as the sounds in there are not sounds that their language really has. I realized that I needed a nickname. I told my leader that back home some people call me Mercy, he said that was perfect. People really like the name here. It has become more comfortable to me than my full name, I even call myself Mercy when I talk to myself. (Yes, I talk to myself. Don't you judge me!)
But it got me thinking about the things we do to make ourselves more open to those around us. I'm not talking about being fake so people will like us. I mean letting go of the little things we use to tell the world who we are.
Paul said, "Even though I am free of the demands and expectations of everyone, I have voluntarily become a servant to any and all in order to reach a wide range of people: religious, nonreligious, meticulous moralists, loose-living immoralists, the defeated, the demoralized—whoever. I didn’t take on their way of life. I kept my bearings in Christ—but I entered their world and tried to experience things from their point of view. I’ve become just about every sort of servant there is in my attempts to lead those I meet into a God-saved life. I did all this because of the Message. I didn’t just want to talk about it; I wanted to be in on it!" (MSG)
I think there is something to be said for this, for being open enough to let go of your ego for the sake of connecting to others. There's certain things we use to define ourselves- the music we listen to, the clothes we wear, our political party or religion. Here, those things don't mean the same things to people as they do back home. In the States, if I were to say I was a Christian-Universalist who loved every genre of music but country and only bought used clothes, you would form certain opinions about me. Here, most people don't know what a single one of those words means. You learn to define yourself in new ways.
And it made me realize that we are so much more than the things we use to define ourselves. We are more than our taste or talents, even more than our names. That is all flexible, that will all change. You can be your authentic self while still letting go of most of the things you use to describe yourself. Because we are more. So call me by the name you prefer, define me by my work or religion or ethnicity. I will still be more than that. Sometimes we need to let go of what we are to truly know who we are.
P.S. If you aren't in on the Newsletter yet, jump on it! This has the less emotional, more substantial updates of my life here. Sort of completes the puzzle of this journey.
When I first came here, I very quickly realized that "Mercedes" was very difficult for Cambodians to say. "Cedes" wasn't any easier, as the sounds in there are not sounds that their language really has. I realized that I needed a nickname. I told my leader that back home some people call me Mercy, he said that was perfect. People really like the name here. It has become more comfortable to me than my full name, I even call myself Mercy when I talk to myself. (Yes, I talk to myself. Don't you judge me!)
But it got me thinking about the things we do to make ourselves more open to those around us. I'm not talking about being fake so people will like us. I mean letting go of the little things we use to tell the world who we are.
Paul said, "Even though I am free of the demands and expectations of everyone, I have voluntarily become a servant to any and all in order to reach a wide range of people: religious, nonreligious, meticulous moralists, loose-living immoralists, the defeated, the demoralized—whoever. I didn’t take on their way of life. I kept my bearings in Christ—but I entered their world and tried to experience things from their point of view. I’ve become just about every sort of servant there is in my attempts to lead those I meet into a God-saved life. I did all this because of the Message. I didn’t just want to talk about it; I wanted to be in on it!" (MSG)
I think there is something to be said for this, for being open enough to let go of your ego for the sake of connecting to others. There's certain things we use to define ourselves- the music we listen to, the clothes we wear, our political party or religion. Here, those things don't mean the same things to people as they do back home. In the States, if I were to say I was a Christian-Universalist who loved every genre of music but country and only bought used clothes, you would form certain opinions about me. Here, most people don't know what a single one of those words means. You learn to define yourself in new ways.
And it made me realize that we are so much more than the things we use to define ourselves. We are more than our taste or talents, even more than our names. That is all flexible, that will all change. You can be your authentic self while still letting go of most of the things you use to describe yourself. Because we are more. So call me by the name you prefer, define me by my work or religion or ethnicity. I will still be more than that. Sometimes we need to let go of what we are to truly know who we are.
P.S. If you aren't in on the Newsletter yet, jump on it! This has the less emotional, more substantial updates of my life here. Sort of completes the puzzle of this journey.
Friday, September 9, 2016
This is Why I Call One Church My Home Church
This has nothing to do with my time here in Cambodia. But bear with me, because when I love something I want to express it. And this is me doing just that.
I've had issues with "church" since I was about 12 years old. I was angry at the church, angry at what it had become. Angry at preachers who molested children. Angry at men who showed up with their beautiful families on Sunday morning, then beat them within an inch of their lives Sunday night. I was angry at family members attempting to exorcise demons from me when I did not meet their expectations. I was angry at people who beat my dear friend with a Bible because of her sexual orientation.
I was angry.
Most of all, I was angry because I felt like the church dynamic had taken something beautiful from me. I had a belief system that gave me purpose, it made me feel loved and safe regardless of my situation. But when I tried to share it, it was connected to this sick, twisted idea of church and religion.
I went through phases with church services. For a while I refused to go, then I went on rare occasions, eventually I went on my own accord... but with a torn apart heart. I hated that church had become about a building and a brand, but I thought it was necessary to go in order to stay close to this god I loved.
That is, until I didn't love god anymore. When I lost my faith a couple years ago, I gave up religious services all together. For the first time in my life, I hated religion AND god. I swore I'd never step foot in a church building again, because I finally didn't feel obligated to appease an imaginary deity.
Long story short, I learned to love God again. Not the same god I grew up with. A very different God, an inclusive and non-judgemental God. I learned that there was a branch of Christ Followers that didn't have to hate the other. They didn't have to argue about heaven or hell, gay or straight, black or white- because faith and belief was so much bigger than that.
But I was still so alone. The Christians around me accused me of making up my own God. How could I believe in Heaven without Hell? How could I believe in metaphor? How dare I be okay with more than one form of sexuality? So I clung to this God I found, but I let go of Christianity and Church.
Until one day I walked into One Church. Within the first service, the pastor spoke about doubting God. He spoke about God existing and allowing children to suffer and not being sure that there was a good answer for that. I was so relieved. It was as if I finally had permission to love God, people, and science all at once. As I got to know the community there, I found that they were all fellow searchers. They grew up Catholic, Lutheran, Baptist, Athiest, gay, straight, all of the above. They didn't dress and talk the same, they didn't even all agree on spiritual values. And it was beautiful.
I've met some of the most amazing people at One Church. They inspire me with their life stories, with their journeys and legacies. They are radical in the way Jesus was, radical in the sense that they are willing to love people from all walks of life. Even if it meant receiving death threats and condemnation in the process.
So here I am, the girl who used to slash her wrists after church because it hurt so much is writing about why she loves church. Because if someone would have told me years ago that church could be a safe place, I would have laughed in their face.
Really, the words we use are too small. Church, God, religion- they cannot contain the nature of the divine and the wholeness of community. Even if the word church is not enough for it, One Church is a community of people unlike any other I've found. I miss them, I love them, and I think of them daily as they go trough times of transition and learning.
P.S. If you have found that church is too small for you and you're living Stateside, I'd encourage you to checkout the Open Network. They are a network of faith communities committed to being inclusive and loving. If someone would have told me years ago that this was an option, it would have saved me from so much heartache.
I'm sorry... and you're welcome. :)
Friday, September 2, 2016
The Tables Have Turned
I recently had the opportunity to join in the YWAM Cambodia staff conference. Over 300 people from around the country that are a part of the missions organization I work under joined in a great conference. A few things that struck me in the whole experience:
1.During the conference, the ministry I work with managed the childrens' program. Since these are all missionary kids, they mostly spoke English. This was awesome because I was able to really interact and connect with them. They told me what God was saying to them, they asked questions, we talked about their lives and favorite places they have been. It was fantastic, and it reminded me how much I love being able to really connect with children and hear what's on their little hearts. If I'm being honest, it gave me a twinge of homesickness, and made me even more anxious to begin my Khmer classes.
2. I work in a great community. The people I work with and around are such kind, loving people. I was surrounded by people who all had given their lives to caring for people. The atmosphere in a place like that is so warm and heartfelt, it's such an honor to be near all of them.
3. Now, this one is the kicker, the reason I wanted to write a blog about this in the first place.
With this being the 25th anniversary of YWAM in Cambodia, they had some of the people who were here in the first years talk about the experience. I learned that when YWAMers first came here, they worked in the refugee camps. Remember that there was a massive genocide here only 40 years ago, and war in the surrounding area as well. This was a pretty dark place. Yet, these people came and cared for the refugees, for those displaced by the horrors of war.
In a time where refugees are such a big issue, I found this to be so important. Decades ago, there were people caring for refugees here in Cambodia. Back in the States, I know organizations and people who are giving their all to care for refugees today. And while I am appalled by how some people handle and speak about the current refugee situation, I also am encouraged by the fact that throughout different times and places there are people stepping up to care for those whose lives have been torn apart by war.
But wait, here is the most beautiful part of this story- at the conference there were missionaries who were working with refugees in Europe. The Khmer people took up an offering and gave money to support those refugees in Europe. Let me say that again, the Khmer people gave money to help refugees. The people who were refugees themselves a short while ago are now able to give to help refugees across the world. Those who were once victims have become the ones helping the victimized. Is there anything more redemptive than that?
This country is still dealing with some of the effects of the Khmer Rouge in their culture. Yet they are now strong enough to care for those who are where they have been.
I think sometimes we are afraid to help people in a situation we went through because it hits close to home and can bring us back to feeling helpless. Yet all around me, I see the hope and beauty of reaching out to those whose experiences mirror our past. Former sex-slaves become social workers, those who were abused become counselors, and the refugees of yesterday care for the refugees of today. The tables keep turning, and all we can do is give people a hand when we are on the upside.
P.S. If you are interested in doing something about the refugee situation, take a look at this page on my website, there are a few organizations on there that are working directly with the refugee crisis.
1.During the conference, the ministry I work with managed the childrens' program. Since these are all missionary kids, they mostly spoke English. This was awesome because I was able to really interact and connect with them. They told me what God was saying to them, they asked questions, we talked about their lives and favorite places they have been. It was fantastic, and it reminded me how much I love being able to really connect with children and hear what's on their little hearts. If I'm being honest, it gave me a twinge of homesickness, and made me even more anxious to begin my Khmer classes.
2. I work in a great community. The people I work with and around are such kind, loving people. I was surrounded by people who all had given their lives to caring for people. The atmosphere in a place like that is so warm and heartfelt, it's such an honor to be near all of them.
3. Now, this one is the kicker, the reason I wanted to write a blog about this in the first place.
With this being the 25th anniversary of YWAM in Cambodia, they had some of the people who were here in the first years talk about the experience. I learned that when YWAMers first came here, they worked in the refugee camps. Remember that there was a massive genocide here only 40 years ago, and war in the surrounding area as well. This was a pretty dark place. Yet, these people came and cared for the refugees, for those displaced by the horrors of war.
In a time where refugees are such a big issue, I found this to be so important. Decades ago, there were people caring for refugees here in Cambodia. Back in the States, I know organizations and people who are giving their all to care for refugees today. And while I am appalled by how some people handle and speak about the current refugee situation, I also am encouraged by the fact that throughout different times and places there are people stepping up to care for those whose lives have been torn apart by war.
But wait, here is the most beautiful part of this story- at the conference there were missionaries who were working with refugees in Europe. The Khmer people took up an offering and gave money to support those refugees in Europe. Let me say that again, the Khmer people gave money to help refugees. The people who were refugees themselves a short while ago are now able to give to help refugees across the world. Those who were once victims have become the ones helping the victimized. Is there anything more redemptive than that?
This country is still dealing with some of the effects of the Khmer Rouge in their culture. Yet they are now strong enough to care for those who are where they have been.
I think sometimes we are afraid to help people in a situation we went through because it hits close to home and can bring us back to feeling helpless. Yet all around me, I see the hope and beauty of reaching out to those whose experiences mirror our past. Former sex-slaves become social workers, those who were abused become counselors, and the refugees of yesterday care for the refugees of today. The tables keep turning, and all we can do is give people a hand when we are on the upside.
P.S. If you are interested in doing something about the refugee situation, take a look at this page on my website, there are a few organizations on there that are working directly with the refugee crisis.
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