Muslims

Today there was a prayer meeting among YWAMers in Phnom Penh (YWAM is the organization over the ministry I work in, among many other ministries). The focus was the Muslim world. It was very emotional and I cried despite that being against the cultural norms here. 

Because really, it is so sad to see the amount of fear and turmoil around and within the Muslim religion. 

I have great respect for most Muslims. They put a high value on family and caring for those around them, I find that to be beautiful. Recently I offended quite a few people because I was very angry about  someone speaking ill of Muslims as a whole, so much so that I yelled and stormed out of the room during a dinner with family and friends. I know it wasn't the most mature way to respond to different opinions, but I still stand by the motivation and opinion that I held then. We cannot hate all Muslims because of ISIS. We cannot hate all Christians because of the Crusades. We cannot hate all Catholics because of some perverted priests. 

It goes beyond that though. It's learning not to hate, but also learning how to love. How many Muslims in Florida right now are probably being socially and economically torturred because of what happened at a gay club? How many of them are living in fear and loneliness for something they did not do and probably do not support? It's awful. Muslims are going through serious persecution right now, and they need love and support. 

I am in no way defending the actions of these extremists. I'm just saying that we cannot discriminate against an entire people group out of ignorance or fear. 

Someone at this meeting today said, "We don't believe in Allah, because we praise God". I love the person that said this, I mean nothing against them, but that really is a ridiculous statement. "Allah" is God in Arabic. Many early Christians in certain parts of the world would have praised Allah the father of Jesus, who sent his son for us. Allah/God is in many ways the connections between Christians, Muslims, and Jews; it's the beautiful idea of a Being that created the world and cares for his people. 

I keep thinking of that verse that says perfect love casts out fear. 

To my my friends that are Christians and/or westerners, I pray that you find a love so strong that it removes the fear of the other and instead brings you a desire to care for those you don't understand. 

To my Muslim friends, I pray that in your faith you are not led by fear but instead led by love for your community and the ones around you. I pray that Allah, God, the Universe- whatever we call it... Will bring you peace and hope as you face persecution in whatever country you are in. 

I don't know what to title this.

Tonight I listened as the woman next door to me was beat by her husband. I was having dinner at a friend's house. She translated what was going on as we heard every word and every hit through the thin walls. She has been here much longer than I have and explained that if we stepped out to intervene we would be killed. Not only that, but the added tension from us getting involved would have meant the wife would definitely be killed as well. So we sat there. 

I heard from one of my podcasts today that there was another shooting. I looked up the story and was heartbroken to realize the number of deaths and the fact that it was targeting the LGBTQ community. So many beautiful lives were ended out of hatred and fear. 

Meanwhile, I'm living a few miles from an old school that was turned into torture chambers during a mass genocide only 30 years ago (S-21). 

I'm angry. I don't get angry often, but tonight I am. It's not even about me. It's the awful reality that there is so much evil in the world. It doesn't matter what year it is or where you live, humans are destroying each other. There is a sickness here that is exposed when we live out of fear and pride. None of us is immune to it. At one point, each of these people were innocent, helpless babies. More than likely they have each felt love and compassion at some time, but through circumstances and decisions they have become this. It makes you wonder what kind of world we are living in... And whether or not it's worth it. 

I'm sorry to be so dark. I put a high value on authenticity, and in this moment this is where I am at. In the back of my mind I know there is hope ahead, but for now I will grieve. 

I Need Help

I've always been relatively self-sufficient. In school, I was the one helping someone else with their homework. In friendships, I prefer to be the one comforting rather needing comfort. With money, I've been the lender rather than the borrower. I frequently tell my family and friends that I am "a strong, independent black woman". 

I'm not bragging... I'm confessing. 

There is something beautiful about needing help. Humans are made to rely on each other. The accomplishment of one is pathetic compared to the accomplishments of a team. Even relationally, our minds deteriorate very quickly when human interaction is taken away from us. I believe that we were created by a Being, and throughout history that Being has made evident how necessary and holy it is to need. 

But despite knowing all of that, I hate to need. Being in Cambodia has forced me to come face to face with my inability to go it alone. Here, I can't get up and go out for the day on my own. If I want to go somewhere I either find someone else who is going there or pray that I come across a Moto driver who knows the place I'm talking about. I can't cook for myself because I don't know what the fruits and vegetables here are or how to use them. I can't even have a conversation with most people unless someone else is there to translate. 

Maybe I don't think I deserve to be helped. 

Maybe I'm too prideful to appear week. 

Maybe I'm afraid I'll be abandoned or rejected if I rely on someone else.

Maybe it's all of the above. In all honesty, I'm not sure. 

My new friends here are so quick to give me a helping hand. Even if I don't ask, they go out of their way to make sure I am cared for and not left in the dark. I'm trying to learn to take that help graciously, and in that I truly think I am becoming better. It's a process, and most days I'm not there yet. Still, day by day I am learning to need others and beginning to realize that my strongest moments are the ones in which I ask for help. 

Comparison

I had a pretty difficult childhood. I was forced into situations that were abnormal for a young girl. Im not complaining, these things made me into who I need to be. 

Still, I remember being frustrated at my friends feeling the need to qualify their pain in front of me. It would be something along the lines of "I'm so stressed with all this responsibility! But it's nothing compared to what you've been through..." Or even worse, they would refuse to tell me about their struggles because they felt they were petty. I hated the idea that my story made them feel their story was less important. 

But despite all that, I did the same thing. If I spoke about my hurt it was always with the caveat that other people in third world countries had it worse. I'd tell people that honestly my life has been a cakewalk because I've never been trafficked, beat, or starved. 

On rare occasions, this thinking can be helpful. When life is so unbearable that you can't take another day, there is comfort in knowing that someone else went through worse and survived. It's a good tool when you've hit rock bottom, but I think it's harmful if used for the long-term. If we always compare our pain to someone else's then we take away what our pain has to teach us. Rather than blowing off our struggles, we should be digging into them; we should find out how we can learn for next time and which parts of us need to be made stronger. 

When a 16 year old breaks up with her significant other, she is experiencing the deepest pain she has  ever known. If we tell her to suck it up and that its normal, she will generally go from one relationship to the next, allowing the pain to increase with each partner. Brought to the extreme, for many this leads to abusive relationships that are "normal" in the mind of the abused. What if instead we addressed this teenager's struggle for what it is? We can tell her that we are sorry she hurts and that we can't take the pain away, but that through this she can learn about vulnerability, trust, and healthy boundaries. Rather than comparing her hurt to the rest of the world, she can allow it to make her a stronger, happier person. 

Again, I'm not trying to negate the struggles of the third world. My heart breaks for the malnourished child, the wounded soldier, and the trafficked woman. I'm just saying that we all know pain on whatever scale our life has handed us. We also all know great joy and hope. Let's stop comparing our stories and instead make better ones. 

But have you asked Jesus into your heart?

This past week during a house-visit in the community I came across a woman who had it pointed out to her that she had not yet "asked Jesus into her heart". She was terrified because she was told that due to her not having done this, her name was not yet in the book of heaven. This woman had become a Christ follower two years ago, she changed her whole life and consistently worked to deepen her faith. Now, her entire spiritual journey was brought into question because she didn't say a phrase that she had never even been taught. I admired her drive to know God, but was saddened by how much one little phrase could mess with her faith. 

The phrase "ask Jesus into your heart" is not in the bible. Don't believe me? I'll pay you $100 if you can find it. The bible does in one place have slightly similar wording, but not in this context and definitely not in relation to salvation. The idea of a god who decides your fate based on one phrase is honestly abhorrent to me. Imagine a god so petty that he will only let you into the club when you repeat his little mantra; like a 7 year old that won't give her brother candy until he repeats back, "you are the best sister in the whole world". It's a funny image when it's a 7 year old child, a terrifying image when it's the all-powerful maker of the universe. 

Now, please don't take this as me beating my chest against people who use this Sinner's Prayer. I led my fair share of people in this prayer back in the day. Also, if I'm being honest, I do find the idea to be beautiful. This concept that your heart can become one with the divine. Imagine if our hearts were always after the heart of Jesus, wanting the best for the most trampled upon. While simultaneously knowing that God's heart deeply cares for our own hurts and hopes. 

The phrase itself is not what makes me upset. What does make me angry is all of the rules and regulations put on faith. 

Don't dance or you're not a Christian. 

You have to dance to show that you feel the spirit.  

Don't drink or do drugs because then God will be angry with you. 

You have to drink so you can minister to the secular world. 

Don't say these words. 

Say these words in this order and you're set for life. 

How can anyone keep up with it all? 

I used to have a faith of rules. Do this thing, don't do that one, know this theology and you're definitely in. It's exhausting. More than that, it's damaging. My faith has become bigger as my God has become less petty. Now I see the divine as truly loving and inclusive. I think it's beautiful that people have a desire to know more and gain wisdom, learning new phrases and explanations. But let's not let our knowledge or rules impede our Love. 

You are not bad.

"Bad Luka!", Jaydon yelled at his older brother. I don't even remember what the altercation was, Luka had hurt his younger brother or maybe taken one of his toys, the type of thing that's a big deal for a child. Jaydon's response to being harmed was to tell his brother he was bad. The way their mom stepped in was beautiful, "No Jay, Luka is not bad. He did something he shouldn't have and needs to take responsibility for his actions." They went on to go through apologizing and forgiving with their mom's guidance. It was such a perfect display of loving parenting, I actually started to tear up.

It is so easy to say someone is bad when they do something we consider wrong. That man is bad because he isn't fair in business, that child is bad because they don't share, that girl is bad because she makes money in the sex industry, it goes on an on... We consider these people who we don't agree with to be bad people. The worst part of it all is, oftentimes they will believe it.

Once someone is trapped in shame, they won't fight to change. Shame says I am bad, guilt says I did something bad. While guilt is healthy from time to time, I don't think there is ever an appropriate time for shame. Shame steals our value from us, it tells us we are bad, worthless beings who can never be more than what we are. If I am intrinsically bad or broken, why should I fight for wholeness?

This is, in my opinion, the biggest problem in Cambodia. Yes, there is poverty, trafficking, corruption, all of those things... but I believe that the worst of Cambodia's problems stem from shame. The belief here is that any difficulty you go through is your fault, because you were bad in a past life. It leaves people believing they deserve abuse and poverty. It's the reason someone will be sold into slavery by a family member and not put up a fight, because they believe this is what they deserve for who they are.

Then enters Christianity, this idea of a God who loves a person on an individual level. A God who thinks you are worth creating by hand, each little freckle. This God finds value in you, believing that  you deserve to live life to the fullest in whatever situation you have been given. There is a power within you that is so bright and beautiful that the only way to fully express it is to love others. This idea is so radical that a lot of  people won't believe it, but the ones who do are forever changed.

I'm not saying that converting someone to Christianity will immediately fix all of their problems. Steps still need to be taken toward freeing people. Brothels need to be raided, women need to be trained in a trade, family's need loans to pull themselves out of debt. But far too often the sex-slave whose brothel is raided will go back into the sex-industry because of shame, because she doesn't feel she deserves to do anything else with her life. This is where some Good News is so important.

You are valuable.
You are worth loving.
You are not bad.

And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. 

God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. 

1 John 4:16

What we leave behind.

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind."
-C.S. Lewis

I'm a huge fan of Clive's. I always appreciated that quote from him. When life was tough, it was statements like this that made me hopeful there was something to go on for. Quotes like this allow us to believe that the suffering in our past doesn't have to define us because it propels us to our future, a constant upward curve. There was a time when I needed these beliefs to get through the day.

I still love C.S., but I'm going to disagree with him this time.

Our painful past does propel us toward our hopeful future, but this isn't a constant pattern. Sometimes you stand on a beautiful mountaintop, and that leads you into the terror of falling down a cliff. Sometimes you go through abuse and heartache, but find that it opens you up to more love than you could have experienced ever before. We aren't on an upward curve, we are in an abstract art piece with vibrant colors and shades of gray- a swirling, non-sensical exhibit.

I used to have very little anger toward anyone, but unbeknownst to me I was making others feel like they didn't belong or weren't valuable.
Now I am more inclusive and caring than I've ever been toward the oppressed and abused, but I battle with anger toward the affluent and judgmental every day.
Which is better?
Neither, both were necessary and both are still a part of me from time to time. I don't have to tear down who I was to validate who I am. All I can do is constantly move in the ways I am led, fight for forward motion, and nurse my wounds when I fall backwards.

Over the past year I have met some incredible people who have slowly helped me reshape how I view and interact with the world. I have found a community in places I never would have expected, with more wonderfully complex people than I thought I'd ever know. The thing that has stuck out to me in these communities more than anything else is the idea that we don't have to tear down one thing to build another. Red doesn't have to be bad for blue to be good, they can both be beautiful.

In a few minutes I will board a plane that will cross the ocean and take me to my new home for now, Cambodia. It would be easy for me to tell myself that what I'm going to is better than what I'm leaving. But what I'm leaving is some pretty amazing people. I'm saying goodbye to friends that are okay with my dark spaces, and a family that is more supportive and loving than any I've ever seen.  I'm saying hello to a long-held dream finally being fulfilled. I wouldn't give up either experience for the world.

What we leave behind is a beautiful mess, what we see ahead is a beautiful mess. Each season is full of tears, goodbyes, and scars. It is all worth it for the joy and love found in the madness.