Monday, August 6, 2018

Empty

Years ago I went through a crisis of faith. In desperation I came to my dad crying. I felt as though I had built my entire life in a house called Christianity. Now the very foundation of all I had built was crumbling. I was homeless.

In wisdom and love he responded, "You have to tear down the house you were given, and on the foundation you will build a new home that is all your own."

I held onto that during the crisis, the hope of building something new.

But recently I realized that Christianity was only one of the rooms in this house of mine. I stayed there because it was the only place I felt safe. Meanwhile I locked all the other doors. In dark corners I hid pieces of me, hoping they would fade away one day. Now I must open all of these rooms, bring it all out to the surface. Take a good, hard look at trauma untouched and lies held tightly. Shine a light on the dark fears of future roles and relationships.

I was told this was a year of cleaning sacred spaces, but I have to confess some of these rooms feel profane. Everything I thought I was, everything I wanted to be, none of it fits anymore. My faith, my childhood, my dreams, my relationships, my skills... None of it is what I thought it was.

I am empty. None of who I used to be remains.

Yet the beauty of all of this is that I finally see the foundation. I see that beneath all of the ways I define myself, there is who I actually am- a conduit of the Divine... a Spirit... a child of God... a piece of Love. As scary as it is to be empty, it is worth it to be held. 

No comments:

Post a Comment