Trump is President

I cried when I found out that Trump won the presidential election. I quickly searched the internet in hopes that it was all an awful joke, and then I cried.

I know it sounds mellow dramatic to some of you, but I truly am afraid of him as our president. It's not that he is going to build a wall or destroy the economy, the president only has so much legal power with the way our government is built. What scares me is that he encourages multitudes through fear and hatred. He has the ear of every American, of the world really, and he whispers in our ears all of the reasons we should separate from the other, all of the irrational fears that our lizard brains respond to so quickly.

In my travels I have seen the destruction caused by hateful people in power. Genocides in history, many of which are very recent, have always been triggered by someone being in power who expressed fear and hatred of a certain people group. Whether its the Jews, the blacks, the women, or the educated... when we live out of this place of hate, people are killed and nations tumble. Maybe it won't be so bad for us, I pray that instead this is a wake up call for why we need more love in our world. But it's still a scary thought. I live in a country that went through a genocide only 40 years ago, and the story already sounds all too familiar.

This has really affected me the past couple days. I haven't been able to sleep, I've been on the edge of an anxiety attack. But I realized something recently...

There is a woman here who I look up to and admire so much. She is beautiful from the inside out. She loves the other, she gave up her comfortable life to move to a country where she could spread love more effectively. She handles conflict with grace and humor, she meets difficulties with poise and love. She's amazing, and I aspire to be like her someday. I recently came to say hello to her and she expressed how upset she was by some of the social media surrounding Trump's win. She was in favor of Trump, she expressed that this doesn't make her racist or hateful or corrupt. She talked about how she is living in an extremely corrupt and dangerous country by choice, that doesn't make her and her family corrupt or evil.

And you know what I realized? I realized that good people voted for Trump. 

Not all of them, many Trump supporters have voted for him out of hatred. But I think some did it out of pure intentions, whether it be their upbringing, circle of friends, level of education, whatever it is... There are good-hearted, loving people who voted for Trump.

So instead of focusing on my anger and fear, I'm going to focus on my love for people, Trump supporters or otherwise. Because if I live my life out of anger, I'm no better than Trump is. I can still grieve what is happening to my home country, but I will not be controlled by it.

One of my favorite bands has a song lyric, "If it's us or them, it's us for them". Trump and some of his supporters live in an us or them world. They live in the mentality that if we don't destroy the minorities, they will destroy us. It's a deadly and scary way to live. It's tempting for me to hate the other, to hate republicans, conservative Christians, and womanizers. But I will fight every day to do the opposite, I will seek to see these people for who they are at their core, for the goodness inside of them rather than their prejudice. This doesn't mean to live naively and it doesn't mean I have to be happy with corruption and hate, but I will not fight fire with fire.

Imagine growing up with incredibly rich, powerful, and hardworking parents. Suppose you were only praised for your success and ability to find power. Your parents send you away as soon as you are a teenager, they send you to a military school in the hopes that you will become disciplined and successful. You fight your whole life for wealth, for power and the approval you never fully received. One day, you become the most powerful man in the country, in the world maybe. Then you wake up  and realize you still aren't enough for the fatherly affection you have fought for your entire life. The father that isn't even alive to see your "success". 

I'm not saying we should all love Trump and fall at his feet. But I have come to believe that the most disgusting, hateful people are just children. The pimps, the dictators and abusers of the world- they are all just frightened children fighting to be loved. 

Good people voted for Trump. Good people voted for Hillary. Good people will be hurt because of what happened here. Let's choose to love all of these people. Let's see this as a reason to wake up and decide to care for the other.

If it's us or them, it's us for them. 

Knocking Over Jenga Towers

I have been struggling a lot lately with feeling like a square peg in a round hole.

I absolutely love the people I work with and the community I'm a part of here in Cambodia. The beauty of missionaries is that they have seen the Love and come away believing that the best way to act that out is love the world. It's truly beautiful, and being in this community has taught me to have a lot more grace for Christians where I used to have hostility and anger.

But the difficult part of this is that most of these people hold a very conservative, straight-forward view of much of the world. And while I honor where they are at (I spent most my life in the same place), I know that I am in a very different place right now. Add on top of that some of the self discovery I have been doing and the realization that deep down I feel like a fake, like if people realize who I really am they will run for the hills. This led me to a place of wanting to advertise my beliefs so that I could watch and see who would leave. It's a strange cycle, I want to prove people hate me by doing things that make them hate me. Terrible, I know. I told you guys I'm working on a lot of inner-healing right now.

The flip side of this is that I am deeply terrified of harming someone else's faith. The people around me have a beautiful faith that leads them to make the world a better place, who am I to interfere with that? Even if I currently believe some of their ideas are harmful, there is much more good coming from them than bad.

So I consulted three of the wisest people I know- my amazing father, my pastor (thanks Aaron!), and Mother Teresa. Through a lot of contemplative prayer and their encouragement, here's what I have come to realize.

• I'm great at loving people where they are at if they are a hungry child or a hurting prostitute. But I suck at loving people where they are at when they are in a religious system I grew up in. I think this is less about them and more about me. I am still angry at myself for the beliefs I used to hold, so I transfer that to the people who still hold those same beliefs. This isn't loving, this is hurtful. I need to learn to love my neighbor and myself if I'm going to overcome this. 
• Love is shown, not spoken. In St Francis' words, "Always preach the Gospel. When necessary, use words". Mother Teresa lived this by never attempting to convert people, but instead by being Jesus to them. This Love of the Divine, this Gospel, is so big that when we reduce it to arguments of Heaven or Hell and Straight or Gay, we destroy it. The only way to truly preach this idea is to live it out in our daily interactions. 
• Life is a journey, not a test. My faith used to be like a massive Jenga tower. I couldn't let go of one theological idea, because if I did the whole thing would come tumbling down. In the long run, that is exactly what happened. I was so obsessed with right answers and following the "Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth" that I nearly gave up on the amazing journey that life and spirituality is. And you know what? If someone would have told me this when I was in that place, if someone would have knocked over my Jenga tower, I would have quite literally died (at my own hands). It took Love slowly creeping in for me to be ready to just let the Jenga game go. If I come to people attempting to knock down their Jenga towers, I hurt them and lose sight of the Meaning behind it all. 

So over time I'm sure more of my beliefs will come to light. I am by no means keeping a secret or hiding who I am and what I believe. But I am deciding that what I believe does not have to be the first thing I tell someone. Rather than focusing on where I differ from other people in ideals and beliefs, I want to focus on the Love and Life that unites us. Everything else can flow from that. 

You're Freaking Beautiful

In Cambodia, I get called beautiful on a daily basis. It's the stranger in the market, the grandma in the village, the TukTuk driver stopped next to me in traffic, it's everywhere. Now by Western standards, my looks are pretty average, and I'm totally cool with that. But here, they think I am a rare, exotic creature. It really got me thinking about how we define beauty based on the culture we are raised in.

I told my friends here that in America some people will sit in the sun or put lotions on their skin to make their skin darker. One girl laughed uncontrollably at that absurd idea, another asked me, "Why do Americans want to look like poor people?". Ouch. In this culture, being dark means you are from a lineage of farmers or other professions that work out in the sun. To have light skin is to distinguish yourself as someone of high status, someone rich and influential. If you see a Khmer person on TV or in an advertisement, they will without  a doubt have skin 5 shades lighter than any of the other Khmer folks walking around the city.

So SouthEast Asians will bleach their skin with all sorts of chemicals to try to appear beautiful, and Westerners will give themselves cancer from excessive tanning to try to appear beautiful. How absurd is this? Whatever your skin tone is, it is the most beautiful skin tone in the world to someone else.

It's not just skin though, it's everything. Khmer people always want to touch my curly hair, they think it's amazing and wish they could have it for themselves. Meanwhile, I spent so many hours in high school straightening my hair wishing it had that sleek, smooth look that is so common here. They wish they had curvier bodies like mine, while I look at their petite, graceful bodies and think they are gorgeous.

This isn't just for women, there are double standards for men as well. American girls will ooze over a man with a strong, defined jaw. Whereas Koreans will eye the fellow with a thinner, V-shaped jawline.

We are all desperately wishing for the thing we don't have. Spending countless hours trying to look like something other than what we are. And for what? In an effort of trying to be beautiful in one culture we destroy the beauty that is uniquely our own.

So guess what? You are beautiful. 

I don't care if you're tall or short, fat or thin, brown or black of freaking green! You're beautiful to someone, and you're beautiful to me.

The Power of Education

What if I told you there was something that could do all of the following?

• Increase your lifespan. 
• Increase the income for yourself and those around you. 
• Decrease your risk of contracting myriad diseases.
• Grant you access to more countries in the world. 
• Promote gender equality. 

And so much more... The list goes on and on. The positive effects of higher education for an individual are amazing, even more so for an educated society/country. 

Yet with all of the advantages education provides, so much of the world is denied that opportunity. It's a tough problem to fix too. When we see a malnourished child we are triggered and emotionally invested, then in turn we can quickly and easily feed this child. If we see a child that doesn't go to school, we think little of it; Despite the fact that the child is much more likely to die of starvation or a preventable disease as they age because they have missed out on the knowledge they could have had. I'm not saying we shouldn't feed malnourished children, that is an important and urgent need. But we should take it a step further and look at the entire life of this person, recognizing that as they grow  one of the best gifts we can give them is an education. 

Today we had our Back To School party for our School Support kids. The ministry I work with pays the price for these children to go to school, along with the cost for uniforms, backpacks, notebooks, shoes, pencils, pens, etc... Seeing the kids faces when they received these items was such an honor, it felt like Christmas morning. If these kids can stick through it, their quality of life will be dramatically increased because of what this organization is doing. Not only that, but the leaders also encouraged the parents about keeping their children in school when times are tough. This is so important in the developing world, where children are frequently sent to work to pay the family bills. 

Today reminded me once again of all the amazing things happening in the world. It reminded me that hope is not lost, that the world really is becoming a better place. Today over 40 children's lives were changed, and they will continue to be a positive change in their community. This is exciting, folks. It's only getting better. 

Homesick

Christianity speaks of this idea that the world is not our home. I think this idea can become dangerous at times. Too often it leads to groups of people with no regard for the planet and people around them. It can cause us to look toward some other time and place rather than being present in the here and now. 

Yet at the same time, something in that idea rings true. We can never really capture this idea of "home". We buy big houses and fill them with nice furniture. We find comfortable places and try to keep them as they are to retain the moments they held. But it's never quite enough. We chase the feeling of home, trying to pin it to one place. Americans are more transient than ever, we move from one place to the next seeking out the one place we can call home, the place that will make us whole. Somehow we are more lonely than ever before, emotionally, physically and spiritually homeless. 

I don't consider the town my family lives in to be home. It's a wealthy, religious, and safe city. With homes made for Pinterest and people made for Instagram. Designer bags, luxury cars, and clean parks. It is disgustingly beautiful. But when I look back at memories in that house and that city, at family devotions going an hour late because we couldn't contain our laughter, that is what I call home. Home has never been where I lived, but the moments of connection... Wherever they may be. 

I have felt home at a concert, belting out songs as if each one of us were a rockstar, unified by our times of heartbreak. I have felt home in my father's office, sitting together through the hours of the night, until I was too exhausted to go through with killing myself. I have felt home in the rubble of a natural disaster. I have felt home singing hymns with a group of strangers. I have felt home overlooking the rice fields of Cambodia. I have felt home singing my baby brother to sleep, protecting him from the screams reverberating through our house. I have felt home among the homeless. I have felt home meeting God in a Buddhist temple. I have felt home laying in a field and looking up at the stars. 

I think home is found when we stop looking. It's found in the moments where we are so present that everything else fades away. It's an experience rather than a place. The more I travel the more sure I am that no place will ever be home. Whether I settle down with a husband and 2.5 kids or spend the rest of my life as a single vagabond, I will always and never be home. 

Learning to be a feminist...

I've been pretty anti-feminism growing up. Ask people who have known me a long time, they will tell you that I used to outright say that men were superior to women, better-looking, smarter, stronger, better everything.

Awful, I know.

But growing up, the women in my life were the people that hurt me the most. Whereas the men in my life (my father especially) protected me and cared for me. If I were to meet two people, one man and one woman, my gut reaction would be to trust the man and fear the woman. In my mind, I will naturally deem women untrustworthy if I don't make a serious effort to do otherwise.

That being said, I'm beginning to realize how dangerous that thinking is. For one, my sister is a hard-core feminist. She frequently rants about how women are misrepresented and harmed by our culture and throughout history. She doesn't sit quietly when people demean women whether it be outright or subtle. Even if you say something like "give her the girl toy", one of her catchphrases is "items don't have a gender". She recently introduced me to her non-gender conforming toy seal. I love that about her. When she cares about a cause, she doesn't just think about it from time to time, she lets it inform her decisions and interactions with the world around her. I look up to her in that sense, and I'm so excited to see how this part of her develops as she learns to be slightly less abrasive and gains more wisdom.

Also, being in Cambodia has opened my eyes to the extreme side of anti-feminism. The patriarchal parts of American society struck me as annoying at times, but nothing more. I would shrug off things like cat-callers or the wage-gap, telling myself it was just how things work. But here, you see what happens when that sort of culture is brought to the extreme. Here, men can have as many partners as they want, but if a woman dares to talk to another man without her husband's okay, he is allowed to beat her and leave her without any repercussions. Even worse, these women are then considered worthless for not pleasing their husbands. Most of them have to resort to prostitution because in the culture's eyes, they lose all value as a human without their husband. This isn't rare, this is common practice.

There's a saying in Cambodia-
Men are like gold; if you drop them in the mud, wipe them off and move on.
Women are like paper; if you drop them in the mud, throw them away.

I'm beginning to realize that I cannot be for women in some circumstances and not others. Being beat to death is worse than being cat-called, but it comes from the same motivation. When we devalue an entire group of people for something they cannot control, that is damaging. Whether that devaluing of them leads to something annoying or something deadly, it still is not okay.

I told one of my close friends that I think I'm becoming a feminist. She was a bit annoyed with this and talked about how "those" feminists are so extreme and demean men, some even saying that we should try to live without them entirely. I'm with her, I think that's ridiculous. I, for one, am very fond of men. But I don't think the extremists of any movement should stop us from seeing the good in the movement itself. Most days, I like to call myself a Christ-follower or Christian. I would like to be able to say I'm a Christian without being homophobic, misogynistic, or racist. I'd like to take back that title from the people who have misused it. I'd like to do the same with feminism. To me, it's not about burning bras or hating men, it's about seeing people as whole, valuable human beings regardless of their gender.

So here I am, learning to be a feminist. It will take some discipline on my part to change my natural thought processes when it comes to women, but I think it's worth it.

A Life of Fear

Today Cambodia is celebrating one of the biggest holidays of the year, it's called Pchum Benh. The city is a ghost town as almost everyone has gone back to their home province to celebrate with their families. It's the Christmas of Cambodia, all the family around the country and all the kids at university go back home to be with their family.

That being said, Pchum Benh is very different than a lot of holidays. The premise of Pchum Benh is that the underworld is somehow more open and that ancestors return to their family homes. If the family has done the necessary rituals of temple visits, sacrifices, etc... then they are safe. However, if the family's rituals were not enough or not done properly, the ancestors will curse them, bringing illness and bad fortune. The reality is that a lot of people are terrified of this holiday. They are nervous about not doing the right tasks or scared that their children won't take part as they should.

I have a friend who said when he first became Christian and didn't do the rituals, he was so scared that spirits were going to come for him during this holiday, he would have nightmares about the consequences of his inaction.

Now a lot of my readers in the Western world will read this and think of it as primitive, maybe even silly. But really, it's not that far fetched. When we act out of fear, we do crazy things to try and protect ourselves. Things that are counterintuitive and don't make logical sense.

My heart is broken for my country right now because a majority of it is living out of fear. We are afraid of terrorists, so we discriminate against an entire people group. Tell me how that makes sense? Fear is a powerful force. It makes us do things that we believe will protect us, whether there is evidence of that protection or not.

I used to live a large portion of my life out of fear. I won't leave this house because I'm afraid of who will be the scapegoat if I do. I won't leave this relationship because I'm afraid of what you will do to yourself if I do. I won't go for that new job because I'm afraid of hurting the people at my old job. The list goes on... I just primarily made decisions based on what I thought would be the least scary option. That's how Cambodian culture lives, right now that is American politics. It's a terrible way to live.

Suppose we lived out of anticipation rather than fear? Instead of being afraid of what the changes will bring, what if we got excited about the adventures ahead? Some of the best experiences of my life have been the times when nothing went according to plan, and that's okay. I think it's time we looked in the mirror and figured out why we are doing the things we are, whether it be a job, relationships, education, etc... If we are doing it out of fear, let's let it go. Life is too short to live afraid.