My name, Mercedes, means "mercies" or "mercy". Growing up my mom and her side of the family called me Mercy, it was always a little endearing and special.
When I first came here, I very quickly realized that "Mercedes" was very difficult for Cambodians to say. "Cedes" wasn't any easier, as the sounds in there are not sounds that their language really has. I realized that I needed a nickname. I told my leader that back home some people call me Mercy, he said that was perfect. People really like the name here. It has become more comfortable to me than my full name, I even call myself Mercy when I talk to myself. (Yes, I talk to myself. Don't you judge me!)
But it got me thinking about the things we do to make ourselves more open to those around us. I'm not talking about being fake so people will like us. I mean letting go of the little things we use to tell the world who we are.
Paul said, "Even though I am free of the demands and expectations of everyone, I have voluntarily become a servant to any and all in order to reach a wide range of people: religious, nonreligious, meticulous moralists, loose-living immoralists, the defeated, the demoralized—whoever. I didn’t take on their way of life. I kept my bearings in Christ—but I entered their world and tried to experience things from their point of view. I’ve become just about every sort of servant there is in my attempts to lead those I meet into a God-saved life. I did all this because of the Message. I didn’t just want to talk about it; I wanted to be in on it!" (MSG)
I think there is something to be said for this, for being open enough to let go of your ego for the sake of connecting to others. There's certain things we use to define ourselves- the music we listen to, the clothes we wear, our political party or religion. Here, those things don't mean the same things to people as they do back home. In the States, if I were to say I was a Christian-Universalist who loved every genre of music but country and only bought used clothes, you would form certain opinions about me. Here, most people don't know what a single one of those words means. You learn to define yourself in new ways.
And it made me realize that we are so much more than the things we use to define ourselves. We are more than our taste or talents, even more than our names. That is all flexible, that will all change. You can be your authentic self while still letting go of most of the things you use to describe yourself. Because we are more. So call me by the name you prefer, define me by my work or religion or ethnicity. I will still be more than that. Sometimes we need to let go of what we are to truly know who we are.
P.S. If you aren't in on the Newsletter yet, jump on it! This has the less emotional, more substantial updates of my life here. Sort of completes the puzzle of this journey.
Monday, September 19, 2016
Friday, September 9, 2016
This is Why I Call One Church My Home Church
This has nothing to do with my time here in Cambodia. But bear with me, because when I love something I want to express it. And this is me doing just that.
I've had issues with "church" since I was about 12 years old. I was angry at the church, angry at what it had become. Angry at preachers who molested children. Angry at men who showed up with their beautiful families on Sunday morning, then beat them within an inch of their lives Sunday night. I was angry at family members attempting to exorcise demons from me when I did not meet their expectations. I was angry at people who beat my dear friend with a Bible because of her sexual orientation.
I was angry.
Most of all, I was angry because I felt like the church dynamic had taken something beautiful from me. I had a belief system that gave me purpose, it made me feel loved and safe regardless of my situation. But when I tried to share it, it was connected to this sick, twisted idea of church and religion.
I went through phases with church services. For a while I refused to go, then I went on rare occasions, eventually I went on my own accord... but with a torn apart heart. I hated that church had become about a building and a brand, but I thought it was necessary to go in order to stay close to this god I loved.
That is, until I didn't love god anymore. When I lost my faith a couple years ago, I gave up religious services all together. For the first time in my life, I hated religion AND god. I swore I'd never step foot in a church building again, because I finally didn't feel obligated to appease an imaginary deity.
Long story short, I learned to love God again. Not the same god I grew up with. A very different God, an inclusive and non-judgemental God. I learned that there was a branch of Christ Followers that didn't have to hate the other. They didn't have to argue about heaven or hell, gay or straight, black or white- because faith and belief was so much bigger than that.
But I was still so alone. The Christians around me accused me of making up my own God. How could I believe in Heaven without Hell? How could I believe in metaphor? How dare I be okay with more than one form of sexuality? So I clung to this God I found, but I let go of Christianity and Church.
Until one day I walked into One Church. Within the first service, the pastor spoke about doubting God. He spoke about God existing and allowing children to suffer and not being sure that there was a good answer for that. I was so relieved. It was as if I finally had permission to love God, people, and science all at once. As I got to know the community there, I found that they were all fellow searchers. They grew up Catholic, Lutheran, Baptist, Athiest, gay, straight, all of the above. They didn't dress and talk the same, they didn't even all agree on spiritual values. And it was beautiful.
I've met some of the most amazing people at One Church. They inspire me with their life stories, with their journeys and legacies. They are radical in the way Jesus was, radical in the sense that they are willing to love people from all walks of life. Even if it meant receiving death threats and condemnation in the process.
So here I am, the girl who used to slash her wrists after church because it hurt so much is writing about why she loves church. Because if someone would have told me years ago that church could be a safe place, I would have laughed in their face.
Really, the words we use are too small. Church, God, religion- they cannot contain the nature of the divine and the wholeness of community. Even if the word church is not enough for it, One Church is a community of people unlike any other I've found. I miss them, I love them, and I think of them daily as they go trough times of transition and learning.
P.S. If you have found that church is too small for you and you're living Stateside, I'd encourage you to checkout the Open Network. They are a network of faith communities committed to being inclusive and loving. If someone would have told me years ago that this was an option, it would have saved me from so much heartache.
I'm sorry... and you're welcome. :)
Friday, September 2, 2016
The Tables Have Turned
I recently had the opportunity to join in the YWAM Cambodia staff conference. Over 300 people from around the country that are a part of the missions organization I work under joined in a great conference. A few things that struck me in the whole experience:
1.During the conference, the ministry I work with managed the childrens' program. Since these are all missionary kids, they mostly spoke English. This was awesome because I was able to really interact and connect with them. They told me what God was saying to them, they asked questions, we talked about their lives and favorite places they have been. It was fantastic, and it reminded me how much I love being able to really connect with children and hear what's on their little hearts. If I'm being honest, it gave me a twinge of homesickness, and made me even more anxious to begin my Khmer classes.
2. I work in a great community. The people I work with and around are such kind, loving people. I was surrounded by people who all had given their lives to caring for people. The atmosphere in a place like that is so warm and heartfelt, it's such an honor to be near all of them.
3. Now, this one is the kicker, the reason I wanted to write a blog about this in the first place.
With this being the 25th anniversary of YWAM in Cambodia, they had some of the people who were here in the first years talk about the experience. I learned that when YWAMers first came here, they worked in the refugee camps. Remember that there was a massive genocide here only 40 years ago, and war in the surrounding area as well. This was a pretty dark place. Yet, these people came and cared for the refugees, for those displaced by the horrors of war.
In a time where refugees are such a big issue, I found this to be so important. Decades ago, there were people caring for refugees here in Cambodia. Back in the States, I know organizations and people who are giving their all to care for refugees today. And while I am appalled by how some people handle and speak about the current refugee situation, I also am encouraged by the fact that throughout different times and places there are people stepping up to care for those whose lives have been torn apart by war.
But wait, here is the most beautiful part of this story- at the conference there were missionaries who were working with refugees in Europe. The Khmer people took up an offering and gave money to support those refugees in Europe. Let me say that again, the Khmer people gave money to help refugees. The people who were refugees themselves a short while ago are now able to give to help refugees across the world. Those who were once victims have become the ones helping the victimized. Is there anything more redemptive than that?
This country is still dealing with some of the effects of the Khmer Rouge in their culture. Yet they are now strong enough to care for those who are where they have been.
I think sometimes we are afraid to help people in a situation we went through because it hits close to home and can bring us back to feeling helpless. Yet all around me, I see the hope and beauty of reaching out to those whose experiences mirror our past. Former sex-slaves become social workers, those who were abused become counselors, and the refugees of yesterday care for the refugees of today. The tables keep turning, and all we can do is give people a hand when we are on the upside.
P.S. If you are interested in doing something about the refugee situation, take a look at this page on my website, there are a few organizations on there that are working directly with the refugee crisis.
1.During the conference, the ministry I work with managed the childrens' program. Since these are all missionary kids, they mostly spoke English. This was awesome because I was able to really interact and connect with them. They told me what God was saying to them, they asked questions, we talked about their lives and favorite places they have been. It was fantastic, and it reminded me how much I love being able to really connect with children and hear what's on their little hearts. If I'm being honest, it gave me a twinge of homesickness, and made me even more anxious to begin my Khmer classes.
2. I work in a great community. The people I work with and around are such kind, loving people. I was surrounded by people who all had given their lives to caring for people. The atmosphere in a place like that is so warm and heartfelt, it's such an honor to be near all of them.
3. Now, this one is the kicker, the reason I wanted to write a blog about this in the first place.
With this being the 25th anniversary of YWAM in Cambodia, they had some of the people who were here in the first years talk about the experience. I learned that when YWAMers first came here, they worked in the refugee camps. Remember that there was a massive genocide here only 40 years ago, and war in the surrounding area as well. This was a pretty dark place. Yet, these people came and cared for the refugees, for those displaced by the horrors of war.
In a time where refugees are such a big issue, I found this to be so important. Decades ago, there were people caring for refugees here in Cambodia. Back in the States, I know organizations and people who are giving their all to care for refugees today. And while I am appalled by how some people handle and speak about the current refugee situation, I also am encouraged by the fact that throughout different times and places there are people stepping up to care for those whose lives have been torn apart by war.
But wait, here is the most beautiful part of this story- at the conference there were missionaries who were working with refugees in Europe. The Khmer people took up an offering and gave money to support those refugees in Europe. Let me say that again, the Khmer people gave money to help refugees. The people who were refugees themselves a short while ago are now able to give to help refugees across the world. Those who were once victims have become the ones helping the victimized. Is there anything more redemptive than that?
This country is still dealing with some of the effects of the Khmer Rouge in their culture. Yet they are now strong enough to care for those who are where they have been.
I think sometimes we are afraid to help people in a situation we went through because it hits close to home and can bring us back to feeling helpless. Yet all around me, I see the hope and beauty of reaching out to those whose experiences mirror our past. Former sex-slaves become social workers, those who were abused become counselors, and the refugees of yesterday care for the refugees of today. The tables keep turning, and all we can do is give people a hand when we are on the upside.
P.S. If you are interested in doing something about the refugee situation, take a look at this page on my website, there are a few organizations on there that are working directly with the refugee crisis.
Saturday, August 13, 2016
A Hand Up Or A Hand Out
There are a lot of NGOs (non-government organizations) in Cambodia. Everywhere you go you meet people who are here to do good for the Khmer people. Some provide food, some education, some safety. It truly is beautiful, so many people from around the world saw that this place was in need and came to help.
Being in this environment where people are doing good left and right, I really began to realize that there are two different mentalities when it comes to helping people.
First, there are handouts. Now handouts are great to a certain extent. When someone is dying from starvation or illness, they just need to be well. The first focus should be giving this person food and care, expecting nothing from them. Sometimes you are so stuck in the cycles of poverty, disease, and slavery that you have nothing to give. This is where we need people to step up and care for the unreached and unloved without expecting anything more from people.
But after someone is fed, healthy and free, we need to do more. You can provide food for someone everyday for the rest of their life. But then what have you done? You've fed them, yes, and that is great. What about their value as a human being though? What about their ability to create and find meaning in life?
A friend here told me about a recent conversation with a local woman. The woman told her daughter that she shouldn't bother trying to go to school, because if she goes to a certain place they will give her rice every day. This woman had been trained for so long to simply take handouts that she saw no reason to work and want more out of life. To the extent that she would take the opportunity of an education away from her young daughter. This isn't to say that the organization giving rice was bad, it just means we need to do continue beyond that.
Then there's the alternative, of helping people while simultaneously teaching them how to help themselves. For example, the organization I work with has helped a family (and is in the process of helping another) by building a cricket farm in their home. They bought all of the materials, did the research, and then taught the family. Now the family raises and sells crickets. They are able to provide for themselves each month with a sustainable trade. They have stability in their lives and they have value in knowing that they worked for what they have. Instead of feeling like their income could disappear on the whim of some NGO, they are secure in knowing that they can provide for themselves as long as they want to.
Again, I'm not saying anything against organizations whose main focus is a handout, because that is necessary sometimes. I'm just saying that I see the contrast now, and in different situations each option has its strengths.
Bear with me, I'm trying to be vulnerable here.., I think that most of my life I have had a handout mentality. Giving someone a handout is quick and easy. I think my pride led me to seek after things where I could help quickly and look like the hero rather than taking the time to provide guidance. If someone was overwhelmed with a project, I'd take the project on myself rather than helping them through it. I'd clean the entire house on my own (humble-bragging the entire way through) instead of teaching the kids how to do part of it. This leaked into most areas of my life- work, family, friendships, school... I actually gave up a mostly paid for education to be at home with a family that probably could have survived without me. We look down on parents in this country taking their kids out of school and forcing them to work instead, but I did that exact thing to myself.
Honestly, I never saw how damaging that was to myself and the people around me. I'm just now starting to realize the destruction caused by living that way. When you see a cycle of endless handouts, you see people who are fed, but dehumanized and incapable.
That's all I have to say on this one, let's aim for more. Let's be gracious and give handouts where they are needed, but then give people a hand-up. Rather than assisting within a cycle, let's end the cycle and provide new beginnings.
Being in this environment where people are doing good left and right, I really began to realize that there are two different mentalities when it comes to helping people.
First, there are handouts. Now handouts are great to a certain extent. When someone is dying from starvation or illness, they just need to be well. The first focus should be giving this person food and care, expecting nothing from them. Sometimes you are so stuck in the cycles of poverty, disease, and slavery that you have nothing to give. This is where we need people to step up and care for the unreached and unloved without expecting anything more from people.
But after someone is fed, healthy and free, we need to do more. You can provide food for someone everyday for the rest of their life. But then what have you done? You've fed them, yes, and that is great. What about their value as a human being though? What about their ability to create and find meaning in life?
A friend here told me about a recent conversation with a local woman. The woman told her daughter that she shouldn't bother trying to go to school, because if she goes to a certain place they will give her rice every day. This woman had been trained for so long to simply take handouts that she saw no reason to work and want more out of life. To the extent that she would take the opportunity of an education away from her young daughter. This isn't to say that the organization giving rice was bad, it just means we need to do continue beyond that.
Then there's the alternative, of helping people while simultaneously teaching them how to help themselves. For example, the organization I work with has helped a family (and is in the process of helping another) by building a cricket farm in their home. They bought all of the materials, did the research, and then taught the family. Now the family raises and sells crickets. They are able to provide for themselves each month with a sustainable trade. They have stability in their lives and they have value in knowing that they worked for what they have. Instead of feeling like their income could disappear on the whim of some NGO, they are secure in knowing that they can provide for themselves as long as they want to.
Again, I'm not saying anything against organizations whose main focus is a handout, because that is necessary sometimes. I'm just saying that I see the contrast now, and in different situations each option has its strengths.
Bear with me, I'm trying to be vulnerable here.., I think that most of my life I have had a handout mentality. Giving someone a handout is quick and easy. I think my pride led me to seek after things where I could help quickly and look like the hero rather than taking the time to provide guidance. If someone was overwhelmed with a project, I'd take the project on myself rather than helping them through it. I'd clean the entire house on my own (humble-bragging the entire way through) instead of teaching the kids how to do part of it. This leaked into most areas of my life- work, family, friendships, school... I actually gave up a mostly paid for education to be at home with a family that probably could have survived without me. We look down on parents in this country taking their kids out of school and forcing them to work instead, but I did that exact thing to myself.
Honestly, I never saw how damaging that was to myself and the people around me. I'm just now starting to realize the destruction caused by living that way. When you see a cycle of endless handouts, you see people who are fed, but dehumanized and incapable.
That's all I have to say on this one, let's aim for more. Let's be gracious and give handouts where they are needed, but then give people a hand-up. Rather than assisting within a cycle, let's end the cycle and provide new beginnings.
Wednesday, August 10, 2016
Prayer and People- SOJ Summer 2016
Hey folks! I'm a little late to the game, but I wanted to post a bit about my experience on the Steps of Justice trips in July. For those of you who don't know, Steps Of Justice is the amazing organization that I originally came to Cambodia with 4 years ago. This year, I had the pleasure of co-leading two summer trips.
With each Steps of Justice trip that I've been on I find there is a theme of sorts. Each team has its own dynamic, and I learn so much from each thing we do. Still, with each trip I feel like there is something being worked on in my own heart. The struggles that I'm already trying to figure out are lit up and seriously accelerated. It's tough, but helpful.
Prayer
On the first trip I think the thing that was really being worked on is my heart towards prayer. During my deconstruction over these past two years I started to take issue with how people pray nowadays. It upset me to think that “god” could save someone from an illness, but would only do so if I decided to pray for them. You can apply this to a hundred different things, changing a country, giving someone peace, etc... If god is all-powerful he shouldn't need us to ask in order for him to act. I became pretty calloused toward the whole idea. I began to only practice meditative or contemplative prayer, I still find these to be helpful on a daily basis, but I'm beginning to pray like I used to on some occasions.
I also had the opportunity of meeting people on this trip who put a huge value on prayer. I saw the authenticity of their prayer and began to see the beauty in it again. I think back home I started to see people praying like those Pharisees on the street corners, so I disassociated from it. I threw the baby out with the bathwater.
I have a friend here who works in the red light district. She is beautiful and I love her. Each time I saw her, she would enthusiastically ask me to pray for her. So I did.. I prayed with fervor, I prayed for her heart and body, for her family, for her past and future, anything and everything. Each night when she asked again, I would pray again. It was the deepest and hardest I've prayed in quite some time. Since that trip, I've found that I am more quick to go to prayer for comfort and encouragement.
People
On the second trip, I was really dealing with how I connect to people and where they are at. I'm an introvert at heart, but I love being with people at the same time. I have always had people in my life who made an effort to connect with me. Lately, it's been the other way around. If I want to connect with people, I need to make a serious effort. The people on the trips sometimes need to be coaxed out of their shells, and I'm not used to being the one to do the coaxing.
Back in the States, I have dear friends who put forth so much effort to connect with me. They know who they are, and I am SO grateful for them. I'm realizing now how difficult it must be for them to always make attempts without knowing whether or not I'll respond and meet them halfway. I want to be better at this. I'm still bad at social media and communicating from afar, but I want to make more of an effort to meet people where they are at rather than forcing them to come to me every time. I'm realizing that even introverts like myself crave a certain level of connection with people.
On top of this, I am realizing all over again how much I love to hear people's stories and thoughts. Each person I have met is so unique and amazing. They all have their own histories and ideas that are one of a kind, and it is such an honor to know them. I can say with complete honesty that I deeply love the people who have been on these trips and cannot wait to see their lives continue to unfold.
There is so much more I've learned on this trip, a novel couldn't contain it all. I've learned more about the dynamics of mission work whether it be short or long term, I've had conversations with so many people that have me thinking about different pieces of my belief system, I've had the opportunity of watching my sister and others grow in new ways. It has been lovely.
I can't wait to do it all over again!
With each Steps of Justice trip that I've been on I find there is a theme of sorts. Each team has its own dynamic, and I learn so much from each thing we do. Still, with each trip I feel like there is something being worked on in my own heart. The struggles that I'm already trying to figure out are lit up and seriously accelerated. It's tough, but helpful.
Prayer
On the first trip I think the thing that was really being worked on is my heart towards prayer. During my deconstruction over these past two years I started to take issue with how people pray nowadays. It upset me to think that “god” could save someone from an illness, but would only do so if I decided to pray for them. You can apply this to a hundred different things, changing a country, giving someone peace, etc... If god is all-powerful he shouldn't need us to ask in order for him to act. I became pretty calloused toward the whole idea. I began to only practice meditative or contemplative prayer, I still find these to be helpful on a daily basis, but I'm beginning to pray like I used to on some occasions.
I also had the opportunity of meeting people on this trip who put a huge value on prayer. I saw the authenticity of their prayer and began to see the beauty in it again. I think back home I started to see people praying like those Pharisees on the street corners, so I disassociated from it. I threw the baby out with the bathwater.
I have a friend here who works in the red light district. She is beautiful and I love her. Each time I saw her, she would enthusiastically ask me to pray for her. So I did.. I prayed with fervor, I prayed for her heart and body, for her family, for her past and future, anything and everything. Each night when she asked again, I would pray again. It was the deepest and hardest I've prayed in quite some time. Since that trip, I've found that I am more quick to go to prayer for comfort and encouragement.
People
On the second trip, I was really dealing with how I connect to people and where they are at. I'm an introvert at heart, but I love being with people at the same time. I have always had people in my life who made an effort to connect with me. Lately, it's been the other way around. If I want to connect with people, I need to make a serious effort. The people on the trips sometimes need to be coaxed out of their shells, and I'm not used to being the one to do the coaxing.
Back in the States, I have dear friends who put forth so much effort to connect with me. They know who they are, and I am SO grateful for them. I'm realizing now how difficult it must be for them to always make attempts without knowing whether or not I'll respond and meet them halfway. I want to be better at this. I'm still bad at social media and communicating from afar, but I want to make more of an effort to meet people where they are at rather than forcing them to come to me every time. I'm realizing that even introverts like myself crave a certain level of connection with people.
On top of this, I am realizing all over again how much I love to hear people's stories and thoughts. Each person I have met is so unique and amazing. They all have their own histories and ideas that are one of a kind, and it is such an honor to know them. I can say with complete honesty that I deeply love the people who have been on these trips and cannot wait to see their lives continue to unfold.
There is so much more I've learned on this trip, a novel couldn't contain it all. I've learned more about the dynamics of mission work whether it be short or long term, I've had conversations with so many people that have me thinking about different pieces of my belief system, I've had the opportunity of watching my sister and others grow in new ways. It has been lovely.
I can't wait to do it all over again!
Saturday, July 23, 2016
El Roi- My First Tattoo
I recently got my first tattoo. The tattoo is one of God's Hebrew names within the outline of Cambodia. I have wanted this particular name of God to be tattooed on my body for many years.
There is a story in Genesis 16 of an Egyptian woman named Hagar. Hagar was a slave, she was forced to sleep with her owner because his wife could not bear children. Once she was pregnant, she was hated and abused by her owner's wife. Eventually she ran away because she could not take the abuse any longer. So there she was, pregnant and alone in a desert. At the low point of her life she was left to die with no support from those around her. In the midst of this, God came to her. He asked her, "Where have you come from and where are you going?". He assured her and comforted her in her weakness, when she was utterly alone.
In this moment, Hagar named him El Roi- The God Who Sees. She had now seen the God who always saw her.
For years I have had a deep love for this small story in a book of many stories. I think it is uniquely beautiful. In this collection of books called the Old Testament we see time and time again that the God of the Jews steps in for His chosen people. But in this story, He steps in for someone who is not His chosen people, someone who is on the outside. Yet he loves her all the same. He doesn't take her suffering away, he doesn't change her circumstance, but he tells her that she will be okay, He understands her past and will bless her future.
I have spent more nights than I would like to admit crying out to God-
Where the hell did You go? Why have You left me alone? Will You leave me to bleed out in this desert?
Time and time again the answer has been, "I see you. I know where you have come from and I know where you are going. I will bless you."
This has been a comfort to me during rough times, when my depression and suicidal tendencies nearly got the best of me it was these words that pulled me through. They still do.
In recent years, this name of God has taken on a second meaning for me as well. Coming to Cambodia and seeing the horrors of their past and present days nearly broke me. Again I asked God where He was. I begged him to explain why He acted in my life in the western world but allowed millions to be slaughtered and abused here on the other side of the globe. How could He let them be treated in such horrific ways? I still wrestle with this on many days.
Yet again, the answer I received was that He sees. He knows that Cambodia was once a world superpower. He knows that not too long ago Cambodia was beaten down and destroyed by genocide. He didn't take the suffering away, He didn't change the circumstance, but he will bless her future. Working here, each and every day I am seeing evidence of Cambodia having a blessed future. Life is still tough here, but it is better each day.
So this tattoo is the permanent expression of my shared experience with this country. We have been abused and beaten down, but more importantly we have been seen and loved by the Divine. We are better each day.
There is a story in Genesis 16 of an Egyptian woman named Hagar. Hagar was a slave, she was forced to sleep with her owner because his wife could not bear children. Once she was pregnant, she was hated and abused by her owner's wife. Eventually she ran away because she could not take the abuse any longer. So there she was, pregnant and alone in a desert. At the low point of her life she was left to die with no support from those around her. In the midst of this, God came to her. He asked her, "Where have you come from and where are you going?". He assured her and comforted her in her weakness, when she was utterly alone.
In this moment, Hagar named him El Roi- The God Who Sees. She had now seen the God who always saw her.
For years I have had a deep love for this small story in a book of many stories. I think it is uniquely beautiful. In this collection of books called the Old Testament we see time and time again that the God of the Jews steps in for His chosen people. But in this story, He steps in for someone who is not His chosen people, someone who is on the outside. Yet he loves her all the same. He doesn't take her suffering away, he doesn't change her circumstance, but he tells her that she will be okay, He understands her past and will bless her future.
I have spent more nights than I would like to admit crying out to God-
Where the hell did You go? Why have You left me alone? Will You leave me to bleed out in this desert?
Time and time again the answer has been, "I see you. I know where you have come from and I know where you are going. I will bless you."
This has been a comfort to me during rough times, when my depression and suicidal tendencies nearly got the best of me it was these words that pulled me through. They still do.
In recent years, this name of God has taken on a second meaning for me as well. Coming to Cambodia and seeing the horrors of their past and present days nearly broke me. Again I asked God where He was. I begged him to explain why He acted in my life in the western world but allowed millions to be slaughtered and abused here on the other side of the globe. How could He let them be treated in such horrific ways? I still wrestle with this on many days.
Yet again, the answer I received was that He sees. He knows that Cambodia was once a world superpower. He knows that not too long ago Cambodia was beaten down and destroyed by genocide. He didn't take the suffering away, He didn't change the circumstance, but he will bless her future. Working here, each and every day I am seeing evidence of Cambodia having a blessed future. Life is still tough here, but it is better each day.
So this tattoo is the permanent expression of my shared experience with this country. We have been abused and beaten down, but more importantly we have been seen and loved by the Divine. We are better each day.
Sunday, July 10, 2016
The Child of Cambodia
Part of the Steps trips is going to Wat Phnom, a temple in the capital of Cambodia. This temple has hills, paths and greenery surrounding it, it truly is beautiful. However, because the temple was started by a woman, it is seen as less than compared to other temples. This leads to it being a common hangout for prostitutes and former prostitures. If a woman ages out of prostitution but still needs money to feed her children, she will often spend her days and nights at the temple with the children, begging for money from tourists.
In the last Steps trip when I was at the temple a little 4 year old girl whose mother was begging noticed me. She climbed up very steep stairs to come to me, stairs that were too steep to climb back down. Her mom was preoccupied with another baby and didn't notice she had come up to me. So I took her hand and we walked around the temple to find steps we could go down. We found a stairway and I carried her down to bring her back to her mother.
I was struck with three thoughts.
1. This child is the epitome of trust and love. She doesn't care who I am or what I've done, she wants me to love her. She wants to hugged and be held, she longs for someone to care for her. Even when we gave her a cookie, her priority was making sure I had enough to eat. She cared so deeply, with so little expectation.
2. This child is so vulnerable. Technically she had a parent, but this parent didn't have the energy or ability to fully care for her. If she went up to another stranger, she could have been trafficked in a second, never to be seen again. She had no one watching to be sure she was safe, and no justice system that would have sought her out if she was taken.
3. This child is Cambodia. She is loving, she is vulnerable, she is beautiful. She is growing so quickly that I can't even keep track. She is delicate but strong, and hopeful despite her trials.
I love Cambodia. The pain and corruption within these borders is sometimes more than I can bear, but the hope and love is more than I can find anywhere else.
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