What we leave behind.

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind."
-C.S. Lewis

I'm a huge fan of Clive's. I always appreciated that quote from him. When life was tough, it was statements like this that made me hopeful there was something to go on for. Quotes like this allow us to believe that the suffering in our past doesn't have to define us because it propels us to our future, a constant upward curve. There was a time when I needed these beliefs to get through the day.

I still love C.S., but I'm going to disagree with him this time.

Our painful past does propel us toward our hopeful future, but this isn't a constant pattern. Sometimes you stand on a beautiful mountaintop, and that leads you into the terror of falling down a cliff. Sometimes you go through abuse and heartache, but find that it opens you up to more love than you could have experienced ever before. We aren't on an upward curve, we are in an abstract art piece with vibrant colors and shades of gray- a swirling, non-sensical exhibit.

I used to have very little anger toward anyone, but unbeknownst to me I was making others feel like they didn't belong or weren't valuable.
Now I am more inclusive and caring than I've ever been toward the oppressed and abused, but I battle with anger toward the affluent and judgmental every day.
Which is better?
Neither, both were necessary and both are still a part of me from time to time. I don't have to tear down who I was to validate who I am. All I can do is constantly move in the ways I am led, fight for forward motion, and nurse my wounds when I fall backwards.

Over the past year I have met some incredible people who have slowly helped me reshape how I view and interact with the world. I have found a community in places I never would have expected, with more wonderfully complex people than I thought I'd ever know. The thing that has stuck out to me in these communities more than anything else is the idea that we don't have to tear down one thing to build another. Red doesn't have to be bad for blue to be good, they can both be beautiful.

In a few minutes I will board a plane that will cross the ocean and take me to my new home for now, Cambodia. It would be easy for me to tell myself that what I'm going to is better than what I'm leaving. But what I'm leaving is some pretty amazing people. I'm saying goodbye to friends that are okay with my dark spaces, and a family that is more supportive and loving than any I've ever seen.  I'm saying hello to a long-held dream finally being fulfilled. I wouldn't give up either experience for the world.

What we leave behind is a beautiful mess, what we see ahead is a beautiful mess. Each season is full of tears, goodbyes, and scars. It is all worth it for the joy and love found in the madness.