A year ago I made a huge life change.
After an interaction with a new friend, I realized I was carrying around huge wounds. Not only was I living with these wounds, but living through them. I carried the belief that I needed to prove to the world that I deserved to exist. I would prove that I was the most selfless, the most loving, the least confrontational. I worked endlessly to serve, to be the lowest of the low. I made myself into a reflection of everyone I met, refusing to exist as a person on my own. I realized that I was fighting for identity in my work and service. I was endlessly fighting against all of the lies I had been told about who I was.
So I quit. I quit my job at the time in an organization that I was with for the wrong reasons. I quit all works of service. For a month I did nothing but sleep and pray and read and rest. You can read more about that here.
It has been over a year since that month off. I still have dark days. I still have panic attacks and depression. I still struggle. Sometimes I get overwhelmed. I ask myself why I am fighting so hard to heal when I keep ending up broken anyway. I get frustrated at the slow, grueling process of healing.
But then this month that dear friend of mine visited again. I spoke with her about the past year and all of the changes in my heart. I built a house with these friends and worked with children and relaxed. As I did this, I realized that I was doing the same actions with completely different motivations. The guilt I used to feel over relaxing had subsided. The urge to prove my value sat at the back of my mind rather than being first and foremost. I became willing to sit at the sidelines and watch as others had their own moments of growth. I was open to letting them do the growing without me. I didn't need to be their savior anymore.
Having this dear friend of mine come a year a part was one of the greatest gifts I could ever have received. A year ago she stood alongside me and told me I had the strength to fight these demons. Now, a year later, she brought me sustenance and showed me that point way off in the distance.
Look over there, don't you see how far you've come?
After an interaction with a new friend, I realized I was carrying around huge wounds. Not only was I living with these wounds, but living through them. I carried the belief that I needed to prove to the world that I deserved to exist. I would prove that I was the most selfless, the most loving, the least confrontational. I worked endlessly to serve, to be the lowest of the low. I made myself into a reflection of everyone I met, refusing to exist as a person on my own. I realized that I was fighting for identity in my work and service. I was endlessly fighting against all of the lies I had been told about who I was.
So I quit. I quit my job at the time in an organization that I was with for the wrong reasons. I quit all works of service. For a month I did nothing but sleep and pray and read and rest. You can read more about that here.
It has been over a year since that month off. I still have dark days. I still have panic attacks and depression. I still struggle. Sometimes I get overwhelmed. I ask myself why I am fighting so hard to heal when I keep ending up broken anyway. I get frustrated at the slow, grueling process of healing.
But then this month that dear friend of mine visited again. I spoke with her about the past year and all of the changes in my heart. I built a house with these friends and worked with children and relaxed. As I did this, I realized that I was doing the same actions with completely different motivations. The guilt I used to feel over relaxing had subsided. The urge to prove my value sat at the back of my mind rather than being first and foremost. I became willing to sit at the sidelines and watch as others had their own moments of growth. I was open to letting them do the growing without me. I didn't need to be their savior anymore.
Having this dear friend of mine come a year a part was one of the greatest gifts I could ever have received. A year ago she stood alongside me and told me I had the strength to fight these demons. Now, a year later, she brought me sustenance and showed me that point way off in the distance.
Look over there, don't you see how far you've come?
