Years ago I went through a crisis of faith. In desperation I came to my dad crying. I felt as though I had built my entire life in a house called Christianity. Now the very foundation of all I had built was crumbling. I was homeless.
In wisdom and love he responded, "You have to tear down the house you were given, and on the foundation you will build a new home that is all your own."
I held onto that during the crisis, the hope of building something new.
But recently I realized that Christianity was only one of the rooms in this house of mine. I stayed there because it was the only place I felt safe. Meanwhile I locked all the other doors. In dark corners I hid pieces of me, hoping they would fade away one day. Now I must open all of these rooms, bring it all out to the surface. Take a good, hard look at trauma untouched and lies held tightly. Shine a light on the dark fears of future roles and relationships.
I was told this was a year of cleaning sacred spaces, but I have to confess some of these rooms feel profane. Everything I thought I was, everything I wanted to be, none of it fits anymore. My faith, my childhood, my dreams, my relationships, my skills... None of it is what I thought it was.
I am empty. None of who I used to be remains.
Yet the beauty of all of this is that I finally see the foundation. I see that beneath all of the ways I define myself, there is who I actually am- a conduit of the Divine... a Spirit... a child of God... a piece of Love. As scary as it is to be empty, it is worth it to be held.
In wisdom and love he responded, "You have to tear down the house you were given, and on the foundation you will build a new home that is all your own."
I held onto that during the crisis, the hope of building something new.
But recently I realized that Christianity was only one of the rooms in this house of mine. I stayed there because it was the only place I felt safe. Meanwhile I locked all the other doors. In dark corners I hid pieces of me, hoping they would fade away one day. Now I must open all of these rooms, bring it all out to the surface. Take a good, hard look at trauma untouched and lies held tightly. Shine a light on the dark fears of future roles and relationships.
I was told this was a year of cleaning sacred spaces, but I have to confess some of these rooms feel profane. Everything I thought I was, everything I wanted to be, none of it fits anymore. My faith, my childhood, my dreams, my relationships, my skills... None of it is what I thought it was.
I am empty. None of who I used to be remains.
Yet the beauty of all of this is that I finally see the foundation. I see that beneath all of the ways I define myself, there is who I actually am- a conduit of the Divine... a Spirit... a child of God... a piece of Love. As scary as it is to be empty, it is worth it to be held.
