Belonging To A Tribe

Right now I'm in the Northeastern mountains of India. We are staying with tribal people called Rongmei. We climb through mountains to meet families and churches, we eat with our hands and follow other customs. Honestly it's the cliche "missionary experience" I always imagined as a child. And it's wonderful. The culture is full of rich and historic meaning, everywhere you turn there is new beauty in both the people and the landscapes. 

Hearing their stories and living their way of life has me thinking a lot about belonging and tribes. I hear a lot of authors and speakers from the States talk about "finding your tribe" or "belonging to a tribe". This beautiful practice of doing life with people who can understand where you've come from and where you're going, people you're safe with. 

I see so much power behind this. Standing alongside brothers and sisters, looking back at all you have overcome and learning through generations. Being with people where you have a sense of belonging and purpose, mantras and chants and ways of living. So many great movements begin with a tribe saying they collectively choose to live a better way. 

But with that I also see the danger of tribal thinking. I see how some are excluded because they don't follow the tribes way of doing or seeing things. I see how tribes become echo chambers in which we all become pleased with the uniformity of our war cries. 

It seems like tribal culture can give life to those who have lived under oppression, it is a foothold to reach up and find your worth as collective souls. But when that same tribe becomes those in in power rather than the oppressed, tribalism becomes a weapon of destruction. 

I'm not talking specifically about this tribe in India, I'm talking about humanity. Throughout history, so many religions, nations, and people groups have moved from belonging to each other in times of oppression to using their collective power to oppress others. Look at America-- what once was a tribe of misfits seeking new opportunity and justice is now seen around the world as a war-hungry nation of greed and ignorance. Or Christianity-- what began as followers of radical inclusion and love without limits is now seen as people with picket signs and megaphones excluding those of various gender/sexual identities and ethnic backgrounds. 

As I reflect on belonging and finding a place in the world, I'm asking myself- Do I want to belong to a tribe? And if so, what tribe? Emergent Christianity? Monasticism? Missionary life? Secular humanism and science? I love all of these things, yet claiming any one as my home tribe feels like a rejection of the others. 

Spiritual leaders I love speak about being able to "transcend and include". How do we transcend the exclusion of tribalism while including the richness of shared histories and sense of belonging? 

I don't have a grand eloquent closing for this post, so I leave you all with a paraphrased passage of Advent that I've been contemplating recently- 

Isaiah 2:1-5

It shall come to pass that the mountain of God will be established above all mountains and hills, and all nations shall flow to it. 

Many peoples shall come and say, "Come, let us go to the mountain of God. Let us learn God's ways and walk God's paths." 

For out of Zion shall go forth the law and the Word from Jerusalem. 

Disputes among many nations shall be settled. 

And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, and their spears into pruning hooks; nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall they learn war anymore. 

O house of Jacob, come let us walk in the light of the Lord. 

May those of us from all tribes trade our weapons of war for tools of new life. 

Uncertainty- A Dream Come True

In a few days I am going on a trip to India. I'm going with two missionary families, one family from Cambodia and the other from India but serving in Cambodia. I'll be there for an entire two months, and will be doing so many different things throughout several states. We will be building homes for families facing persecution, teaching at churches in different parts of the country, running a kids camp, joining in an Advent program, and so on... To finish it all off, I'm going to spend a few months on my own with Mother Teresa's Home for the Dying in Kolkata.

You see, I have wanted to go to Mother Teresa's center since I was about 8 years old. As a child she was the person I most looked up to, my favorite celebrity.. I have read countless biographies about her and her work. I hoped that one day I would be able to save up enough money to at least go see her center where it all started.

A few months ago I decided I wouldn't put off this dream any longer, after all I'm already on this side of the world. I told my boss and dear friend that I wanted to take some time off to go to India and spend a couple weeks at Mother Teresa's center in Kolkata. My friend laughed in surprise and  proceeded to tell me that their family was planning a trip to India and could use the help, she asked if I could come with them and stay after to visit Kolkata.

Now here I am, about to go do that which I always dreamed about... and so much more. I am finding that it is not only my dreams that are coming true, but more is being added to them. I never even thought I would be able to stay with local families rather than at a hotel, I never considered being able to travel to multiple states of India rather than only one. It is all so much more than I ever could have imagined.

Along with all of these new opportunities come new uncertainties as well. I'll be giving a sermon to hundreds, which scares the living daylights out of me. I'll be unable to work for money and left hoping it works out. I'll be sharing personal parts of my story with strangers. At the tail-end when I go to Kolkata, for the first time in my life I'll be alone in a city where I don't know a soul. It is all so much.

And let me tell you, it is 100% worth it.

There is so little we can be certain of, only so much can be held in these small hands of mine. Any experience that can be perfectly planned out and understood is too small to change you. I'm finding that when everything goes according to my small plans, I miss out on so much. These transformative moments cannot be planned or manufactured. The dream come true lies in the great unknown.

I get the sense that these next two months will be something I look back on for years to come and say, "that fundamentally changed who I am". I have butterflies in my stomach like one often does at the beginning of a grand adventure. And I know that so very much of it will not go according to plan.

So bring it on.

Life in Community

I was sick this past month with Dengue Fever. It was an extremely difficult experience. I can honestly say I have never been so sick in my life, walking even 4 steps left me breathless and weak with my heart beating out of my chest. During this I didn't even have the strength to sit up for more than 15 minutes at a time. I was completely and truly helpless.

And you know what else? I was surrounded by community. Friends who heard I was sick messaged me to check in on me. Others came to my home and prayed for me. One of my dearest friends even brought soup and other foods to help me gain strength again. My roommate checked on me regularly and cooked and cleaned for me for over a week. When I began to recover my roommate even brought a rolling chair into our kitchen because I couldn't stand for long but wanted to be able to get my own food. I was completely overwhelmed at how people cared for me and came alongside of me.

I've always been someone who wants to serve, but was afraid to be served. I usually get into community to be near others, but then keep them at arms length when my own weakness comes up. The people who have surrounded me here in Cambodia have completely destroyed all of the walls I built around myself with their persistent love and caring.

When I first came to Cambodia I realized I needed to learn how to let others help me. Throughout my time here that lesson seems to come up again and again in different ways. I'm learning to not only be okay with being helped, but to love the back and forth of true friendships. There is a beauty to having people who we can lean on in tough times without feeling guilty, and having them feel the same toward us. We are made to live this way, to live in community.

I'm not saying it's easy- it's hard to be vulnerable and expose your weakness to others. But I have found that it is in my weakness that true strength arises. By letting go of my need to be my own hero, I find that I have more people caring for me than I ever could have hoped for. We are more together than we ever could be on our own. That, my friends, is the beauty of life in community.

Grant me the serenity

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

The Serenity prayer, I remember first hearing of it when I was in a 12 step program in my teenage years. Since then I have repeated the prayer to myself in particularly difficult times. 

Today was one of those times. Those moments when your heart is broken so deeply that you have to beg God for the strength to make it through. 

I was in a village that my organization recently began reaching out to. As usual, I would ask to hold most babies I came across. As I held one particular child, the woman who handed him to me began to gesture as if she wanted me to go away. She pointed to the child and pointed to me and gestured for us to go. One of my Khmer coworkers and friends began to listen to the woman and translate to me what she was saying. 

The child was her nephew, the child of her younger sister. The mother was barely 17, the father in prison. They were a shame to the family because they weren't married. The baby boy had asthma and there was no way for them to afford additional medical bills. This woman was asking me to take the child as my own. As we stood there she began to become more adamant, as the child looked at me she would gesture to me calling me "mother". It was all I could do to hold this sweet boy without crying. 

In these villages I stick out as a foreigner, I've been in places where people have "joked" about selling their child to me so the child would have a better life. But this was the first time where they were completely genuine, asking me to just take the child and give them nothing in return. I held this unwanted baby in my arms, wishing I could tell him as he grows that he is always infinitely wanted. 

As I held him, I begged God for serenity.... the serenity to accept that I cannot take this beautiful boy from his community. The serenity to know that there are "unwanted" children like him all over the world that will never even be held. Serenity to keep me from falling into a puddle on the floor because it is all too much. 

In that moment, I was reminded of the beauty of the serenity prayer- that it moves beyond acceptance of what is into courage of what can be. 

So I will continue to ask for the courage to change the things I can. I will be brave enough to wake up each morning and resist the urge to turn away from suffering. I will courageously love these children for the moments I am with them, without worrying about the time when I won't be around. I will continue to invest in and support this organization I love that is going to support this community for years to come, long after I have moved on...

In these moments I cry out in grief and hope- God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. 

Love is enough.

Mother Teresa is one of my dearest spiritual teachers. I have loved her since I was a small child, and even more so since the deconstruction and rebirth of my faith. I was recently reading (another) biography of hers and in it the author spoke about how the Mother would respond when people said that her work was so small compared to the great destruction throughout the world, that it was only a drop in the ocean. Her response...

"I do not add up. I only subtract from the total number of poor or dying. With children one dollar saves a life. Could you say one dollar buys a life? No, but it is used to save it. So we use ourselves to save what we can."

 This was always her mentality, with all things. Rather than dwelling on what was lacking or what could not be done, she put all of her energy into each moment and interaction. Her life was a series of intimate moments with thousands of people, each one changed by the crossing of their paths.

The same day I read that was a day that we were having a special kids camp in the village, where we would teach, play with, and feed nearly a hundred children. It's a wonderful event that is both difficult and rewarding! As we were doing this, I pointed out to my friend/leader that I wished I could pull one girl aside to braid her hair. She told me a bit about this child, that her brother and parents had AIDS. They left her and her brother with their grandmother each day, who was usually extremely drunk.

I wished I could take her and her brother away with me, I wished I could remove them from this life of suffering. I realized that this story was not unique, almost every child in this center has experienced abuse of some form. Yet when they came to this place, they could be children again. Here they could play and eat, they could be with people who see their pain and love them when they have nothing to offer. Here they were safe and cherished, even if only for a few hours each week.

I often lose sight of this perspective. I get so overwhelmed with the pain and suffering of the world that I forget to see the hope. In all honesty, occasionally I will suddenly be struck with all of the pain- I will once again realize that each day so many are being abused, starved, evacuated, and abandoned. In these moments I usually sob for a few hours until I can finally fall asleep. This happens more often than I'd like to admit.

I forget what Mother Teresa carried with her always, a focus on what can be done rather than what cannot. When she didn't have the means to give money or medicine, she gave kindness. She gave all that she had, even when all she had was a warm smile and gentle hands. In these moments, love is enough. It's not about whether we can save the whole world, because we simply can't. It's about realizing that what we have is enough for this moment, and every moment hereafter.

You have heard it said.... But I say to you.

This was one of Jesus' common refrains. He would often bring up a common phrase or a piece of scripture and flip it around. He would take it one step further, usually calling out prejudice, unknown biases, and religious laws. With one phrase, he would humble the proud and give hope to the weak.

Yesterday I was at a service with a friend who just moved to Cambodia, the preacher said to talk amongst ourselves about advice we were given when moving here or advice we would give to newcomers. She said that she thought it was important to not immediately view parts of the culture and the country as good or bad, but to first just see them as different. I couldn't agree with her more.

And it got me thinking about how this culture has allowed me to see spirituality and life in an entirely new light. The lifestyle of these people better resembles the culture Jesus would have grown up in, both of these lifestyles a world away from the American culture I grew up in. And while I have only been here a year, I'm glad to say that my view on nearly all parts of life has been turned upside down. Because here life is more than consumption or efficiency, it is about connection and relationship. I have found deeper meaning in every aspect of living through this culture, and I hope it has forever changed me.

So you may have heard it said this way, but after a year in Cambodia I say to you...

You have heard it said that order brings peace, but I say to you that it is in the chaos that we find true meaning and the peace it brings.

You have heard it said that you should first care for you and yours, but I say to you that when you care for the other you will find that others care for you, and we are collectively provided for.

You have heard it said that you are blessed with an easy life, but I say to you that you are cursed with an easy life. Because it is only a crutch that leaves you weaker the longer you rely on it.

You have heard it said that you should always reach for the best, but I say to you that when you avoid the worst you miss out on the growth and all that you could have been.

You have heard it said that your work is what you do in the world, but I say to you that being is what you do in the world, and your work only funds and flows from your being.

You have heard it said that to give love is the highest calling, but I say to you that learning to receive love is the root of it all and the only way to truly give love to others.

Learning to feel.

Most of you know that I spent the last month without a job. After a few life-changing events over the past year, I realized that I needed to take some time to simply be rather than always focussing on doing. In this I found that I have always used work (monetary work or volunteer work) to distract myself. I poured myself into other tasks and people to avoid what was happening within my own heart.

Being busy and helping others has been my drug. When my emotions were too confusing or intense I would shut them off and instead focus on someone else's struggle. Because it was easier to help them than it was to help myself. The problem is that like any other drug, you need more and more to feel satisfied; Until you reach the point where you are only a shell of the addiction. Even my loss of faith was triggered not by my own suffering, but by seeing the most extreme suffering in others after working with the aftermath of a natural disaster and slavery.

So this past month without work, it has been my rehab. Truth be told, it really did feel like I was going through withdrawals in the beginning. Out of nowhere I would burst into tears, having no idea why. Or, I would suddenly be overwhelmed with joy and laugh for no reason at all. There was a week where I couldn't sleep properly for days, I just laid awake wrestling my thoughts. Other times, I couldn't summon the energy to get out of bed and slept for unreasonable amounts of time, losing track of the days. Oftentimes I would feel completely numb, without anyone else to pull emotion from I had to look my own feelings right in the eye and welcome them back in. I needed to make amends with myself.

Now, a month into the process, I feel unlike I ever have. I have learned to sit with my own emotions without seeing them as my enemy. I can be sad or happy or tired, but I am still me. I recently helped a friend with a project for a kids' program. I have done that type of work so many times, but this time it felt new. Before I would have used something like that to feel okay about myself, to feel fulfilled. Now, I am already fulfilled and the joy of the work simply adds to my life.

I've learned a lot of other lessons in this time. On a daily basis I have spent hours reading, reflecting, writing and in contemplative prayer, because of this it feels like I've had the growth and learning of a year in only one short month. Yet through it all, this is the most beautiful lesson I have learned yet. I have learned that I am a whole person, I am able to feel and love and be valuable simply because I am. And more than anything, I am excited to see all of the beautiful things that come out of this foundation.