El Roi- My First Tattoo

I recently got my first tattoo. The tattoo is one of God's Hebrew names within the outline of Cambodia. I have wanted this particular name of God to be tattooed on my body for many years.

There is a story in Genesis 16 of an Egyptian woman named Hagar. Hagar was a slave, she was forced to sleep with her owner because his wife could not bear children. Once she was pregnant, she was hated and abused by her owner's wife. Eventually she ran away because she could not take the abuse any longer. So there she was, pregnant and alone in a desert. At the low point of her life she was left to die with no support from those around her. In the midst of this, God came to her. He asked her, "Where have you come from and where are you going?". He assured her and comforted her in her weakness, when she was utterly alone.

In this moment, Hagar named him El Roi- The God Who Sees. She had now seen the God who always saw her.

For years I have had a deep love for this small story in a book of many stories. I think it is uniquely beautiful. In this collection of books called the Old Testament we see time and time again that the God of the Jews steps in for His chosen people. But in this story, He steps in for someone who is not His chosen people, someone who is on the outside. Yet he loves her all the same. He doesn't take her suffering away, he doesn't change her circumstance, but he tells her that she will be okay, He understands her past and will bless her future.

I have spent more nights than I would like to admit crying out to God-
Where the hell did You go? Why have You left me alone? Will You leave me to bleed out in this desert? 

Time and time again the answer has been, "I see you. I know where you have come from and I know where you are going. I will bless you."

This has been a comfort to me during rough times, when my depression and suicidal tendencies nearly got the best of me it was these words that pulled me through. They still do.

In recent years, this name of God has taken on a second meaning for me as well. Coming to Cambodia and seeing the horrors of their past and present days nearly broke me. Again I asked God where He was. I begged him to explain why He acted in my life in the western world but allowed millions to be slaughtered and abused here on the other side of the globe. How could He let them be treated in such horrific ways? I still wrestle with this on many days.

Yet again, the answer I received was that He sees. He knows that Cambodia was once a world superpower. He knows that not too long ago Cambodia was beaten down and destroyed by genocide. He didn't take the suffering away, He didn't change the circumstance, but he will bless her future. Working here, each and every day I am seeing evidence of Cambodia having a blessed future. Life is still tough here, but it is better each day.

So this tattoo is the permanent expression of my shared experience with this country. We have been abused and beaten down, but more importantly we have been seen and loved by the Divine. We are better each day.

The Child of Cambodia

Part of the Steps trips is going to Wat Phnom, a temple in the capital of Cambodia. This temple has hills, paths and greenery surrounding it, it truly is beautiful. However, because  the temple was started by a woman, it is seen as less than compared to other temples. This leads to it being a common hangout for prostitutes and former prostitures. If a woman ages out of prostitution but still needs money to feed her children, she will often spend her days and nights at the temple with the children, begging for money from tourists. 

In the last Steps trip when I was at the temple a little 4 year old girl whose mother was begging noticed me. She climbed up very steep stairs to come to me, stairs that were too steep to climb back down. Her mom was preoccupied with another baby and didn't notice she had come up to me. So I took her hand and we walked around the temple to find steps we could go down. We found a stairway and I carried her down to bring her back to her mother. 

I was struck with three thoughts. 

1. This child is the epitome of trust and love. She doesn't care who I am or what I've done, she wants me to love her. She wants to hugged and be held, she longs for someone to care for her. Even when we gave her a cookie, her priority was making sure I had enough to eat. She cared so deeply, with so little expectation. 

2. This child is so vulnerable. Technically she had a parent, but this parent didn't have the energy or ability to fully care for her. If she went up to another stranger, she could have been trafficked in a second, never to be seen again. She had no one watching to be sure she was safe, and no justice system that would have sought her out if she was taken. 

3. This child is Cambodia. She is loving, she is vulnerable, she is beautiful. She is growing so quickly that I can't even keep track. She is delicate but strong, and hopeful despite her trials. 

I love Cambodia. The pain and corruption within these borders is sometimes more than I can bear, but the hope and love is more than I can find anywhere else.