Grant me the serenity

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

The Serenity prayer, I remember first hearing of it when I was in a 12 step program in my teenage years. Since then I have repeated the prayer to myself in particularly difficult times. 

Today was one of those times. Those moments when your heart is broken so deeply that you have to beg God for the strength to make it through. 

I was in a village that my organization recently began reaching out to. As usual, I would ask to hold most babies I came across. As I held one particular child, the woman who handed him to me began to gesture as if she wanted me to go away. She pointed to the child and pointed to me and gestured for us to go. One of my Khmer coworkers and friends began to listen to the woman and translate to me what she was saying. 

The child was her nephew, the child of her younger sister. The mother was barely 17, the father in prison. They were a shame to the family because they weren't married. The baby boy had asthma and there was no way for them to afford additional medical bills. This woman was asking me to take the child as my own. As we stood there she began to become more adamant, as the child looked at me she would gesture to me calling me "mother". It was all I could do to hold this sweet boy without crying. 

In these villages I stick out as a foreigner, I've been in places where people have "joked" about selling their child to me so the child would have a better life. But this was the first time where they were completely genuine, asking me to just take the child and give them nothing in return. I held this unwanted baby in my arms, wishing I could tell him as he grows that he is always infinitely wanted. 

As I held him, I begged God for serenity.... the serenity to accept that I cannot take this beautiful boy from his community. The serenity to know that there are "unwanted" children like him all over the world that will never even be held. Serenity to keep me from falling into a puddle on the floor because it is all too much. 

In that moment, I was reminded of the beauty of the serenity prayer- that it moves beyond acceptance of what is into courage of what can be. 

So I will continue to ask for the courage to change the things I can. I will be brave enough to wake up each morning and resist the urge to turn away from suffering. I will courageously love these children for the moments I am with them, without worrying about the time when I won't be around. I will continue to invest in and support this organization I love that is going to support this community for years to come, long after I have moved on...

In these moments I cry out in grief and hope- God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. 

Love is enough.

Mother Teresa is one of my dearest spiritual teachers. I have loved her since I was a small child, and even more so since the deconstruction and rebirth of my faith. I was recently reading (another) biography of hers and in it the author spoke about how the Mother would respond when people said that her work was so small compared to the great destruction throughout the world, that it was only a drop in the ocean. Her response...

"I do not add up. I only subtract from the total number of poor or dying. With children one dollar saves a life. Could you say one dollar buys a life? No, but it is used to save it. So we use ourselves to save what we can."

 This was always her mentality, with all things. Rather than dwelling on what was lacking or what could not be done, she put all of her energy into each moment and interaction. Her life was a series of intimate moments with thousands of people, each one changed by the crossing of their paths.

The same day I read that was a day that we were having a special kids camp in the village, where we would teach, play with, and feed nearly a hundred children. It's a wonderful event that is both difficult and rewarding! As we were doing this, I pointed out to my friend/leader that I wished I could pull one girl aside to braid her hair. She told me a bit about this child, that her brother and parents had AIDS. They left her and her brother with their grandmother each day, who was usually extremely drunk.

I wished I could take her and her brother away with me, I wished I could remove them from this life of suffering. I realized that this story was not unique, almost every child in this center has experienced abuse of some form. Yet when they came to this place, they could be children again. Here they could play and eat, they could be with people who see their pain and love them when they have nothing to offer. Here they were safe and cherished, even if only for a few hours each week.

I often lose sight of this perspective. I get so overwhelmed with the pain and suffering of the world that I forget to see the hope. In all honesty, occasionally I will suddenly be struck with all of the pain- I will once again realize that each day so many are being abused, starved, evacuated, and abandoned. In these moments I usually sob for a few hours until I can finally fall asleep. This happens more often than I'd like to admit.

I forget what Mother Teresa carried with her always, a focus on what can be done rather than what cannot. When she didn't have the means to give money or medicine, she gave kindness. She gave all that she had, even when all she had was a warm smile and gentle hands. In these moments, love is enough. It's not about whether we can save the whole world, because we simply can't. It's about realizing that what we have is enough for this moment, and every moment hereafter.

You have heard it said.... But I say to you.

This was one of Jesus' common refrains. He would often bring up a common phrase or a piece of scripture and flip it around. He would take it one step further, usually calling out prejudice, unknown biases, and religious laws. With one phrase, he would humble the proud and give hope to the weak.

Yesterday I was at a service with a friend who just moved to Cambodia, the preacher said to talk amongst ourselves about advice we were given when moving here or advice we would give to newcomers. She said that she thought it was important to not immediately view parts of the culture and the country as good or bad, but to first just see them as different. I couldn't agree with her more.

And it got me thinking about how this culture has allowed me to see spirituality and life in an entirely new light. The lifestyle of these people better resembles the culture Jesus would have grown up in, both of these lifestyles a world away from the American culture I grew up in. And while I have only been here a year, I'm glad to say that my view on nearly all parts of life has been turned upside down. Because here life is more than consumption or efficiency, it is about connection and relationship. I have found deeper meaning in every aspect of living through this culture, and I hope it has forever changed me.

So you may have heard it said this way, but after a year in Cambodia I say to you...

You have heard it said that order brings peace, but I say to you that it is in the chaos that we find true meaning and the peace it brings.

You have heard it said that you should first care for you and yours, but I say to you that when you care for the other you will find that others care for you, and we are collectively provided for.

You have heard it said that you are blessed with an easy life, but I say to you that you are cursed with an easy life. Because it is only a crutch that leaves you weaker the longer you rely on it.

You have heard it said that you should always reach for the best, but I say to you that when you avoid the worst you miss out on the growth and all that you could have been.

You have heard it said that your work is what you do in the world, but I say to you that being is what you do in the world, and your work only funds and flows from your being.

You have heard it said that to give love is the highest calling, but I say to you that learning to receive love is the root of it all and the only way to truly give love to others.

Learning to feel.

Most of you know that I spent the last month without a job. After a few life-changing events over the past year, I realized that I needed to take some time to simply be rather than always focussing on doing. In this I found that I have always used work (monetary work or volunteer work) to distract myself. I poured myself into other tasks and people to avoid what was happening within my own heart.

Being busy and helping others has been my drug. When my emotions were too confusing or intense I would shut them off and instead focus on someone else's struggle. Because it was easier to help them than it was to help myself. The problem is that like any other drug, you need more and more to feel satisfied; Until you reach the point where you are only a shell of the addiction. Even my loss of faith was triggered not by my own suffering, but by seeing the most extreme suffering in others after working with the aftermath of a natural disaster and slavery.

So this past month without work, it has been my rehab. Truth be told, it really did feel like I was going through withdrawals in the beginning. Out of nowhere I would burst into tears, having no idea why. Or, I would suddenly be overwhelmed with joy and laugh for no reason at all. There was a week where I couldn't sleep properly for days, I just laid awake wrestling my thoughts. Other times, I couldn't summon the energy to get out of bed and slept for unreasonable amounts of time, losing track of the days. Oftentimes I would feel completely numb, without anyone else to pull emotion from I had to look my own feelings right in the eye and welcome them back in. I needed to make amends with myself.

Now, a month into the process, I feel unlike I ever have. I have learned to sit with my own emotions without seeing them as my enemy. I can be sad or happy or tired, but I am still me. I recently helped a friend with a project for a kids' program. I have done that type of work so many times, but this time it felt new. Before I would have used something like that to feel okay about myself, to feel fulfilled. Now, I am already fulfilled and the joy of the work simply adds to my life.

I've learned a lot of other lessons in this time. On a daily basis I have spent hours reading, reflecting, writing and in contemplative prayer, because of this it feels like I've had the growth and learning of a year in only one short month. Yet through it all, this is the most beautiful lesson I have learned yet. I have learned that I am a whole person, I am able to feel and love and be valuable simply because I am. And more than anything, I am excited to see all of the beautiful things that come out of this foundation.

To be yourself is all that you can do.

Today I visited one of my friends who works in the red light district.

We caught up and made small talk, she let me pick the music in the bar. I asked her to show me a song that she loves. She showed me this:

She told me about the lead singer killing himself, she said he did it because of the thoughts. She said sometimes at night, she has the thoughts too. She told me that when that happens all she can do is cry until she falls asleep.

I told her, "me too". I told her about listening to that same CD in my car while I had the same thoughts. I asked her to please stay until she is old and gray.

We spoke about other things throughout the night. She told me about her opening this new bar/brothel because the owner of the old place didn't "respect" her. We updated each other on how each of our siblings are doing as they grow older.

As I left she asked me to pray for her, like she always does when we visit.

And I cried the whole drive home. Because that is all I can ever do- I say "me too", I pray, and then I drive away. Somehow it just doesn't seem like enough anymore.

I'm sorry there isn't a nice little bow to wrap it all up at the end of this one guys. It's just one of those nights.

It was there all along.

I spent this past weekend in the province of Svay Rieng. My dear friends and former coworkers at Children At Risk invited me to join them (and a team from Taiwan) for some well drilling and community work in a village where they are building a new center.

When we went I had the chance to see how the well drilling process goes from start until the water begins to burst from the ground. I was struck by it all. They choose the spot where they will drill, and simply begin to go at it, pushing a huge metal pole into the ground until the water begins to flow (that's the simplified explanation). The family the well was being drilled for had been struggling without clean water to drink. They would go door to door trying to ask their neighbors if they had water to spare. The dirty water they did have would rust and discolor all of their plates and utensils. All the while, there was clean water running underneath their land.

I thought about how that water was always there, they just didn't have the means to access it. They weren't given something new, but rather given the ability and tools to reach that which was already theirs to begin with.

A lot of spiritual teachers and mystics I have been reading lately (such as Richard Rohr) speak about faith and spirituality as being something that happens to you rather than something you achieve. God and the Divine are always working, the change comes for us when we begin to realize and access that. I never understood that idea until recently.

I am experiencing so much growth and inner healing right now, and I'm realizing that it's not due to any changes in my situation or environment. Quite the opposite, these things I have begun to see were always there and I am only now learning to see them within myself and others. It's an amazing experience, I'm excited to see the waters continue to flow.

The Unanswered Questions

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer"
-Rainer Maria Rile

This year has certainly been one of new growth and realizations, but this month has been especially intense, as I've explored my connection to God and to the world around me. Two radically life changing things happened inside of me.

First, some interactions with a few dear friends on a mission trip team led me to discover my hidden motivations, the reasons I do what I do. Through this process, I came to the realization that I've been working furiously to prove myself. When I was young, someone I loved dearly said some very hurtful, abusive things. Their words accused me of being useless, selfish, and beyond redemption. My friend helped me see how I've been fighting against these words for the past ten years, trying to prove to the world that I'm useful, generous, and worthy. I think these are wonderful things; being useful, generous, and worthy are certainly something to aspire to. But I was doing them out of shame and fear, rather than from my wholeness. I was insecure, and frantically trying to fill that insecurity by proving something. Since seeing this motivation, I am working on going down the path of inner-healing. I am excited to see the person I continue to become as I work through this.

Second, I parted ways with the organization I've been with since January. At the time I joined them, the hope was for me to engage in social community-based programs to enable and empower children and families. These included a sewing program, soap distribution, and a school/kids center in a troubled village. Recently, the organization decided to narrow the scope of their ministry to focus primarily on well drilling and construction (homes and toilets). Both of these are wonderful things, but they're not where my heart is, and they're not my mission in the world. Those are not my passion, nor my strength. I think I have found that one of my main gifts to the world is that I connect with individuals, building relationships and helping people to see their own value. Rather than hide that gift, squelch my passion, and go off mission to get a job done, I decided it was best to leave the construction and well drilling in their capable hands and move on. The functions they perform are vital to the communities they work in, and they have an able staff who will ensure they succeed.

While I parted from this organization on good terms and still have the upmost respect for them, this was quite difficult for me. I have struggled with co-dependency, which means that it has been extremely difficult for me to say no and/or set boundaries. When I quit, it was the first time in my life that I left something or someone entirely of my own volition. It was breaking a pattern that I have had for years. I fully believe it was the right decision and have peace in it, but it wasn't easy.

Now, all that to say, it has been an exciting time! These hard things have brought me a very new awareness of myself. I am proud of myself for coming to terms with these things, and moving forward, but I have realized that I need to take some time to continue growing as an individual.

I went on a silent retreat this weekend, and it was truly a life changing experience. Through it, I was able to move a lot of things from head knowledge into my heart space, so they became deeply real to me – rather than simple facts. It was a beautiful time, and has given me a fresh perspective on so many things, most that I do not even know how to put into words. It has also shown me that I need to take the time to be – without using the busyness of life and work to make me feel valued.

Rather than moving to a new organization immediately, I am going to take some time to simply be. I will be leading visiting teams for the next month, but after that I will be taking a month without working for any specific organization. I have realized that I tend to place my identity in whatever project or work I am involved in. Since I was 12 years old I have had people that "needed" me. I haven't firmly established who I am, when I am not needed or helping someone, and I think it's time I did so.

I strongly believe in dying to yourself for something bigger (some call it God). But I also think that you must find yourself before you can fully lose yourself. I'm sorry if this doesn't make complete sense, as I'm simply allowing my heart to put the words on this page, without trying to filter them too much. I am coming into a time of unanswered questions. When people ask me what I do or how much longer I'll be in Cambodia, I don't know what I will tell them. But I choose to face the unknown in hopes of finding a fuller, more loving life.

I am so thankful for those of you who have already been so supportive in this journey. I am excited for all of the beautiful things this will lead to, and I'm even more excited for the process of getting there.