The Tables Have Turned

I recently had the opportunity to join in the YWAM Cambodia staff conference. Over 300 people from around the country that are a part of the missions organization I work under joined in a great conference. A few things that struck me in the whole experience:

1.During the conference, the ministry I work with managed the childrens' program. Since these are all missionary kids, they mostly spoke English. This was awesome because I was able to really interact and connect with them. They told me what God was saying to them, they asked questions, we talked about their lives and favorite places they have been. It was fantastic, and it reminded me how much I love being able to really connect with children and hear what's on their little hearts. If I'm being honest, it gave me a twinge of homesickness, and made me even more anxious to begin my Khmer classes.

2. I work in a great community. The people I work with and around are such kind, loving people. I was surrounded by people who all had given their lives to caring for people. The atmosphere in a place like that is so warm and heartfelt, it's such an honor to be near all of them.

3. Now, this one is the kicker, the reason I wanted to write a blog about this in the first place.

With this being the 25th anniversary of YWAM in Cambodia, they had some of the people who were here in the first years talk about the experience. I learned that when YWAMers first came here, they worked in the refugee camps. Remember that there was a massive genocide here only 40 years ago, and war in the surrounding area as well. This was a pretty dark place. Yet, these people came and cared for the refugees, for those displaced by the horrors of war.

In a time where refugees are such a big issue, I found this to be so important. Decades ago, there were people caring for refugees here in Cambodia. Back in the States, I know organizations and people who are giving their all to care for refugees today. And while I am appalled by how some people handle and speak about the current refugee situation, I also am encouraged by the fact that throughout different times and places there are people stepping up to care for those whose lives have been torn apart by war.

But wait, here is the most beautiful part of this story- at the conference there were missionaries who were working with refugees in Europe. The Khmer people took up an offering and gave money to support those refugees in Europe. Let me say that again, the Khmer people gave money to help refugees. The people who were refugees themselves a short while ago are now able to give to help refugees across the world. Those who were once victims have become the ones helping the victimized. Is there anything more redemptive than that?

This country is still dealing with some of the effects of the Khmer Rouge in their culture. Yet they are now strong enough to care for those who are where they have been.

I think sometimes we are afraid to help people in a situation we went through because it hits close to home and can bring us back to feeling helpless. Yet all around me, I see the hope and beauty of reaching out to those whose experiences mirror our past. Former sex-slaves become social workers, those who were abused become counselors, and the refugees of yesterday care for the refugees of today. The tables keep turning, and all we can do is give people a hand when we are on the upside.

P.S. If you are interested in doing something about the refugee situation, take a look at this page on my website, there are a few organizations on there that are working directly with the refugee crisis.

A Hand Up Or A Hand Out

There are a lot of NGOs (non-government organizations) in Cambodia. Everywhere you go you meet people who are here to do good for the Khmer people. Some provide food, some education, some safety. It truly is beautiful, so many people from around the world saw that this place was in need and came to help.

Being in this environment where people are doing good left and right, I really began to realize that there are two different mentalities when it comes to helping people.

First, there are handouts. Now handouts are great to a certain extent. When someone is dying from starvation or illness, they just need to be well. The first focus should be giving this person food and care, expecting nothing from them. Sometimes you are so stuck in the cycles of poverty, disease, and slavery that you have nothing to give. This is where we need people to step up and care for the unreached and unloved without expecting anything more from people.

But after someone is fed, healthy and free, we need to do more. You can provide food for someone everyday for the rest of their life. But then what have you done? You've fed them, yes, and that is great. What about their value as a human being though? What about their ability to create and find meaning in life?

A friend here told me about a recent conversation with a local woman. The woman told her daughter that she shouldn't bother trying to go to school, because if she goes to a certain place they will give her rice every day. This woman had been trained for so long to simply take handouts that she saw no reason to work and want more out of life.  To the extent that she would take the opportunity of an education away from her young daughter. This isn't to say that the organization giving rice was bad, it just means we need to do continue beyond that.

Then there's the alternative, of helping people while simultaneously teaching them how to help themselves. For example, the organization I work with has helped a family (and is in the process of helping another) by building a cricket farm in their home. They bought all of the materials, did the research, and then taught the family. Now the family raises and sells crickets. They are able to provide for themselves each month with a sustainable trade. They have stability in their lives and they have value in knowing that they worked for what they have. Instead of feeling like their income could disappear on the whim of some NGO, they are secure in knowing that they can provide for themselves as long as they want to.

Again, I'm not saying anything against organizations whose main focus is a handout, because that is necessary sometimes. I'm just saying that I see the contrast now, and in different situations each option has its strengths.

Bear with me, I'm trying to be vulnerable here.., I think that most of my life I have had a handout mentality. Giving someone a handout is quick and easy. I think my pride led me to seek after things where I could help quickly and look like the hero rather than taking the time to provide guidance. If someone was overwhelmed with a project, I'd take the project on myself rather than helping them through it. I'd clean the entire house on my own (humble-bragging the entire way through) instead of teaching the kids how to do part of it. This leaked into most areas of my life- work, family, friendships, school... I actually gave up a mostly paid for education to be at home with a family that probably could have survived without me. We look down on parents in this country taking their kids out of school and forcing them to work instead, but I did that exact thing to myself.

Honestly, I never saw how damaging that was to myself and the people around me. I'm just now starting to realize the destruction caused by living that way. When you see a cycle of endless handouts, you see people who are fed, but dehumanized and incapable.

That's all I have to say on this one, let's aim for more. Let's be gracious and give handouts where they are needed, but then give people a hand-up. Rather than assisting within a cycle, let's end the cycle and provide new beginnings.

Prayer and People- SOJ Summer 2016

Hey folks! I'm a little late to the game, but I wanted to post a bit about my experience on the Steps of Justice trips in July. For those of you who don't know, Steps Of Justice is the amazing organization that I originally came to Cambodia with 4 years ago. This year, I had the pleasure of co-leading two summer trips.

With each Steps of Justice trip that I've been on I find there is a theme of sorts. Each team has its own dynamic, and I learn so much from each thing we do. Still, with each trip I feel like there is something being worked on in my own heart. The struggles that I'm already trying to figure out are lit up and seriously accelerated. It's tough, but helpful.

Prayer
On the first trip I think the thing that was really being worked on is my heart towards prayer. During my deconstruction over these past two years I started to take issue with how people pray nowadays. It upset me to think that “god” could save someone from an illness, but would only do so if I decided to pray for them. You can apply this to a hundred different things, changing a country, giving someone peace, etc... If god is all-powerful he shouldn't need us to ask in order for him to act. I became pretty calloused toward the whole idea. I began to only practice meditative or contemplative prayer, I still find these to be helpful on a daily basis, but I'm beginning to pray like I used to on some occasions.

I also had the opportunity of meeting people on this trip who put a huge value on prayer. I saw the authenticity of their prayer and began to see the beauty in it again. I think back home I started to see people praying like those Pharisees on the street corners, so I disassociated from it. I threw the baby out with the bathwater.

I have a friend here who works in the red light district. She is beautiful and I love her. Each time I saw her, she would enthusiastically ask me to pray for her. So I did.. I prayed with fervor, I prayed for her heart and body, for her family, for her past and future, anything and everything. Each night when she asked again, I would pray again. It was the deepest and hardest I've prayed in quite some time. Since that trip, I've found that I am more quick to go to prayer for comfort and encouragement.

People
On the second trip, I was really dealing with how I connect to people and where they are at. I'm an introvert at heart, but I love being with people at the same time. I have always had people in my life who made an effort to connect with me. Lately, it's been the other way around. If I want to connect with people, I need to make a serious effort. The people on the trips sometimes need to be coaxed out of their shells, and I'm not used to being the one to do the coaxing.

Back in the States, I have dear friends who put forth so much effort to connect with me. They know who they are, and I am SO grateful for them. I'm realizing now how difficult it must be for them to always make attempts without knowing whether or not I'll respond and meet them halfway. I want to be better at this. I'm still bad at social media and communicating from afar, but I want to make more of an effort to meet people where they are at rather than forcing them to come to me every time. I'm realizing that even introverts like myself crave a certain level of connection with people.

On top of this, I am realizing all over again how much I love to hear people's stories and thoughts. Each person I have met is so unique and amazing. They all have their own histories and ideas that are one of a kind, and it is such an honor to know them. I can say with complete honesty that I deeply love the people who have been on these trips and cannot wait to see their lives continue to unfold.

There is so much more I've learned on this trip, a novel couldn't contain it all. I've learned more about the dynamics of mission work whether it be short or long term, I've had conversations with so many people that have me thinking about different pieces of my belief system, I've had the opportunity of watching my sister and others grow in new ways. It has been lovely.

I can't wait to do it all over again!

El Roi- My First Tattoo

I recently got my first tattoo. The tattoo is one of God's Hebrew names within the outline of Cambodia. I have wanted this particular name of God to be tattooed on my body for many years.

There is a story in Genesis 16 of an Egyptian woman named Hagar. Hagar was a slave, she was forced to sleep with her owner because his wife could not bear children. Once she was pregnant, she was hated and abused by her owner's wife. Eventually she ran away because she could not take the abuse any longer. So there she was, pregnant and alone in a desert. At the low point of her life she was left to die with no support from those around her. In the midst of this, God came to her. He asked her, "Where have you come from and where are you going?". He assured her and comforted her in her weakness, when she was utterly alone.

In this moment, Hagar named him El Roi- The God Who Sees. She had now seen the God who always saw her.

For years I have had a deep love for this small story in a book of many stories. I think it is uniquely beautiful. In this collection of books called the Old Testament we see time and time again that the God of the Jews steps in for His chosen people. But in this story, He steps in for someone who is not His chosen people, someone who is on the outside. Yet he loves her all the same. He doesn't take her suffering away, he doesn't change her circumstance, but he tells her that she will be okay, He understands her past and will bless her future.

I have spent more nights than I would like to admit crying out to God-
Where the hell did You go? Why have You left me alone? Will You leave me to bleed out in this desert? 

Time and time again the answer has been, "I see you. I know where you have come from and I know where you are going. I will bless you."

This has been a comfort to me during rough times, when my depression and suicidal tendencies nearly got the best of me it was these words that pulled me through. They still do.

In recent years, this name of God has taken on a second meaning for me as well. Coming to Cambodia and seeing the horrors of their past and present days nearly broke me. Again I asked God where He was. I begged him to explain why He acted in my life in the western world but allowed millions to be slaughtered and abused here on the other side of the globe. How could He let them be treated in such horrific ways? I still wrestle with this on many days.

Yet again, the answer I received was that He sees. He knows that Cambodia was once a world superpower. He knows that not too long ago Cambodia was beaten down and destroyed by genocide. He didn't take the suffering away, He didn't change the circumstance, but he will bless her future. Working here, each and every day I am seeing evidence of Cambodia having a blessed future. Life is still tough here, but it is better each day.

So this tattoo is the permanent expression of my shared experience with this country. We have been abused and beaten down, but more importantly we have been seen and loved by the Divine. We are better each day.

The Child of Cambodia

Part of the Steps trips is going to Wat Phnom, a temple in the capital of Cambodia. This temple has hills, paths and greenery surrounding it, it truly is beautiful. However, because  the temple was started by a woman, it is seen as less than compared to other temples. This leads to it being a common hangout for prostitutes and former prostitures. If a woman ages out of prostitution but still needs money to feed her children, she will often spend her days and nights at the temple with the children, begging for money from tourists. 

In the last Steps trip when I was at the temple a little 4 year old girl whose mother was begging noticed me. She climbed up very steep stairs to come to me, stairs that were too steep to climb back down. Her mom was preoccupied with another baby and didn't notice she had come up to me. So I took her hand and we walked around the temple to find steps we could go down. We found a stairway and I carried her down to bring her back to her mother. 

I was struck with three thoughts. 

1. This child is the epitome of trust and love. She doesn't care who I am or what I've done, she wants me to love her. She wants to hugged and be held, she longs for someone to care for her. Even when we gave her a cookie, her priority was making sure I had enough to eat. She cared so deeply, with so little expectation. 

2. This child is so vulnerable. Technically she had a parent, but this parent didn't have the energy or ability to fully care for her. If she went up to another stranger, she could have been trafficked in a second, never to be seen again. She had no one watching to be sure she was safe, and no justice system that would have sought her out if she was taken. 

3. This child is Cambodia. She is loving, she is vulnerable, she is beautiful. She is growing so quickly that I can't even keep track. She is delicate but strong, and hopeful despite her trials. 

I love Cambodia. The pain and corruption within these borders is sometimes more than I can bear, but the hope and love is more than I can find anywhere else. 

Faith

1. (n) Complete trust or confidence in someone or something. 

2. (n) Strong belief in God or in the doctrines of a religion. 

Growing up in a Christian environment you hear a lot about faith. You're supposed to speak about your faith, walk by faith, and not hide your faith. In all of this, I think faith became less about the first definition of trust and confidence and instead took on the second definition of doctrine. Looking at it now, it makes me sad. It's like someone saying they "love" burgers. It brings a beautiful, intense word down to a very shallow place. 

To the Christian culture I have lived a life of faith. I never made a tragic, rebellious decision. I have walked friends and strangers through the "Sinner's Prayer". I volunteered, I taught, I sang with my arms raised. I had this stuff locked down. 

But now, being in a different country and having no idea where I belong or what I need to do, I am truly living by faith for the first time in my life. I'm not talking about doctrine, I'm talking about trust. I'm walking through the wilderness and hoping that the guide will show up. I'm praying for my family without having the option to manipulate the outcome of those prayers. I'm looking for my place without knowing whether or not it actually exists. It's scary stuff. 

There's a reason trust-falls strengthen a team or relationship, it's because trusting is hard. I think it's against our nature to trust someone else with our lives or future, that's why we work so hard to hold our lives in our own hands. We get comfortable jobs, sturdy houses, and easy going friends. We hope that we can construct a stable life where we don't have to deeply rely on any one person. If one person we trusted abandons us, we can be jaded for years or even a lifetime. But then what are we left with? A funeral and a comfortable house for our friends to mourn in. 

I think there has to be something more. I want to have faith in my life, whether it relates to my relationships, lifestyle, or belief system. I want to trust in the extreme. It may be a bit more uncomfortable, but I choose to believe it will be more rewarding. 

Muslims

Today there was a prayer meeting among YWAMers in Phnom Penh (YWAM is the organization over the ministry I work in, among many other ministries). The focus was the Muslim world. It was very emotional and I cried despite that being against the cultural norms here. 

Because really, it is so sad to see the amount of fear and turmoil around and within the Muslim religion. 

I have great respect for most Muslims. They put a high value on family and caring for those around them, I find that to be beautiful. Recently I offended quite a few people because I was very angry about  someone speaking ill of Muslims as a whole, so much so that I yelled and stormed out of the room during a dinner with family and friends. I know it wasn't the most mature way to respond to different opinions, but I still stand by the motivation and opinion that I held then. We cannot hate all Muslims because of ISIS. We cannot hate all Christians because of the Crusades. We cannot hate all Catholics because of some perverted priests. 

It goes beyond that though. It's learning not to hate, but also learning how to love. How many Muslims in Florida right now are probably being socially and economically torturred because of what happened at a gay club? How many of them are living in fear and loneliness for something they did not do and probably do not support? It's awful. Muslims are going through serious persecution right now, and they need love and support. 

I am in no way defending the actions of these extremists. I'm just saying that we cannot discriminate against an entire people group out of ignorance or fear. 

Someone at this meeting today said, "We don't believe in Allah, because we praise God". I love the person that said this, I mean nothing against them, but that really is a ridiculous statement. "Allah" is God in Arabic. Many early Christians in certain parts of the world would have praised Allah the father of Jesus, who sent his son for us. Allah/God is in many ways the connections between Christians, Muslims, and Jews; it's the beautiful idea of a Being that created the world and cares for his people. 

I keep thinking of that verse that says perfect love casts out fear. 

To my my friends that are Christians and/or westerners, I pray that you find a love so strong that it removes the fear of the other and instead brings you a desire to care for those you don't understand. 

To my Muslim friends, I pray that in your faith you are not led by fear but instead led by love for your community and the ones around you. I pray that Allah, God, the Universe- whatever we call it... Will bring you peace and hope as you face persecution in whatever country you are in.