Imposter Syndrome

This week I received my login information for the Living School. This marks the beginning of a journey that I have been extremely excited for. It gives me hope for the future. As I read through the orientation a sense of peace rushed over me. I was reading materials written in a way that felt freeing and open. I saw the key figures of the school- theologians and teachers and scientists that I loved. How exciting to be with a group of people where I could finally discuss these things. What an amazing opportunity to be immersed in a world of deep healing and authentic discovery.

Then I read the directory, a list of the other students in my cohort. One of the names on the list looked familiar. I Googled it and realized this person was involved in projects that were well known and had been deeply impactful to me. They were a part of a movement I loved, making a difference in the world. I realized that this school is going to be full of unique and talented individuals. They are activists, writers, podcasters... They are people making a difference in the world. Suddenly an overwhelming sense of dread washed over me.

As soon as I arrive they are going to realize I don't belong here. There is one thing that has made me special, and that's the life I'm leaving. I'm an imposter. A shallow, confused girl entering into a school of enlightened and successful people. 

I have to be honest, I spent the better part of the day stewing in this shame spiral. Telling myself I wasn't going to measure up, I didn't have enough life experience, and I wasn't as deep as I would like to believe.

So I stepped away from the computer. I did my yoga practice and spent some time in prayer. I was able to sit in the freeing loss of self that occasionally graces me during prayer. I realized that this incessant need to be enough is the exact reason I'm leaving Cambodia and going to this alternative school.

I spent so long building the life I always dreamed of. I became the successful student, I became the caretaker, I became the missionary- I became the person I always wanted to be. Only to realize that I was fighting for an image of myself. I was filling myself up with good deeds that never quite satisfied. I thought that if I worked hard enough, maybe I could finally earn the love I missed out on. The reality is I spent so long looking to myself to make me lovable, I never realized that Love was within me all along.

If I truly believe that the very Spirit of God is within me, if I see the face of Jesus in each person I meet, then there are no imposters. Because you and me have a value and love that is unshakeable. It isn't tied to the fickle feelings or passing success, it is the very core of who we were made to be, it is the Imago Dei. 

So here I am, beginning from a place of utter humility, unknowing, and hope- the way all great adventures begin. 

I come

I come to the child Christ seeking hope. 

I come to the teaching Christ seeking justice. 

I come to the suffering Christ seeking comfort. 

I come to the resurrected Christ seeking transformation. 

Content

"Is something wrong?"

My friend asked me this over and over in the beginning of our travels together. I was always taken aback because it was at times where all was well, and I was thoroughly enjoying myself. Yet she would still say she wanted to be sure, because she said my energy had changed. I continually insisted that I was feeling great.

As this continued I eventually asked her what about me changed that made her worry something was wrong. She explained that I would suddenly not talk at all, and just sit quietly. She was worried I was stuck in my head or upset about something. I thought about all of the times she had asked this and realized these were moments where I was fully and completely content.

I explained to her that in these moments where I was content and filled with the current situation, I would just sit in the peace of it and soak it all in. I love these moments, they are light and airy, yet also grounding.

I wondered why a friend of almost a decade didn't know that this is what happened when I was content. Then I realized that she had never seen me like this. Because truth be told, I only experienced contentment recently. I've always been someone who experiences emotions with intensity and odd mixtures. Happiness always carried a dark undertone because I told myself I wasn't deserving of it. Sadness carried a strange lightness because it felt familiar to me. There was always such a whiplash of emotions that I was never able to sit in the stillness of being... content.

In these recent years of healing I have found a new range of emotions that were never available to me before. I was jumping from suffering to mania so quickly that I missed all of the beauty of the emotions in between. Suddenly the world is much more vast and diverse than I ever realized.
I'm feeling amazed.
I'm feeling overjoyed.
I'm feeling content.