You have heard it said.... But I say to you.

This was one of Jesus' common refrains. He would often bring up a common phrase or a piece of scripture and flip it around. He would take it one step further, usually calling out prejudice, unknown biases, and religious laws. With one phrase, he would humble the proud and give hope to the weak.

Yesterday I was at a service with a friend who just moved to Cambodia, the preacher said to talk amongst ourselves about advice we were given when moving here or advice we would give to newcomers. She said that she thought it was important to not immediately view parts of the culture and the country as good or bad, but to first just see them as different. I couldn't agree with her more.

And it got me thinking about how this culture has allowed me to see spirituality and life in an entirely new light. The lifestyle of these people better resembles the culture Jesus would have grown up in, both of these lifestyles a world away from the American culture I grew up in. And while I have only been here a year, I'm glad to say that my view on nearly all parts of life has been turned upside down. Because here life is more than consumption or efficiency, it is about connection and relationship. I have found deeper meaning in every aspect of living through this culture, and I hope it has forever changed me.

So you may have heard it said this way, but after a year in Cambodia I say to you...

You have heard it said that order brings peace, but I say to you that it is in the chaos that we find true meaning and the peace it brings.

You have heard it said that you should first care for you and yours, but I say to you that when you care for the other you will find that others care for you, and we are collectively provided for.

You have heard it said that you are blessed with an easy life, but I say to you that you are cursed with an easy life. Because it is only a crutch that leaves you weaker the longer you rely on it.

You have heard it said that you should always reach for the best, but I say to you that when you avoid the worst you miss out on the growth and all that you could have been.

You have heard it said that your work is what you do in the world, but I say to you that being is what you do in the world, and your work only funds and flows from your being.

You have heard it said that to give love is the highest calling, but I say to you that learning to receive love is the root of it all and the only way to truly give love to others.

Learning to feel.

Most of you know that I spent the last month without a job. After a few life-changing events over the past year, I realized that I needed to take some time to simply be rather than always focussing on doing. In this I found that I have always used work (monetary work or volunteer work) to distract myself. I poured myself into other tasks and people to avoid what was happening within my own heart.

Being busy and helping others has been my drug. When my emotions were too confusing or intense I would shut them off and instead focus on someone else's struggle. Because it was easier to help them than it was to help myself. The problem is that like any other drug, you need more and more to feel satisfied; Until you reach the point where you are only a shell of the addiction. Even my loss of faith was triggered not by my own suffering, but by seeing the most extreme suffering in others after working with the aftermath of a natural disaster and slavery.

So this past month without work, it has been my rehab. Truth be told, it really did feel like I was going through withdrawals in the beginning. Out of nowhere I would burst into tears, having no idea why. Or, I would suddenly be overwhelmed with joy and laugh for no reason at all. There was a week where I couldn't sleep properly for days, I just laid awake wrestling my thoughts. Other times, I couldn't summon the energy to get out of bed and slept for unreasonable amounts of time, losing track of the days. Oftentimes I would feel completely numb, without anyone else to pull emotion from I had to look my own feelings right in the eye and welcome them back in. I needed to make amends with myself.

Now, a month into the process, I feel unlike I ever have. I have learned to sit with my own emotions without seeing them as my enemy. I can be sad or happy or tired, but I am still me. I recently helped a friend with a project for a kids' program. I have done that type of work so many times, but this time it felt new. Before I would have used something like that to feel okay about myself, to feel fulfilled. Now, I am already fulfilled and the joy of the work simply adds to my life.

I've learned a lot of other lessons in this time. On a daily basis I have spent hours reading, reflecting, writing and in contemplative prayer, because of this it feels like I've had the growth and learning of a year in only one short month. Yet through it all, this is the most beautiful lesson I have learned yet. I have learned that I am a whole person, I am able to feel and love and be valuable simply because I am. And more than anything, I am excited to see all of the beautiful things that come out of this foundation.

To be yourself is all that you can do.

Today I visited one of my friends who works in the red light district.

We caught up and made small talk, she let me pick the music in the bar. I asked her to show me a song that she loves. She showed me this:

She told me about the lead singer killing himself, she said he did it because of the thoughts. She said sometimes at night, she has the thoughts too. She told me that when that happens all she can do is cry until she falls asleep.

I told her, "me too". I told her about listening to that same CD in my car while I had the same thoughts. I asked her to please stay until she is old and gray.

We spoke about other things throughout the night. She told me about her opening this new bar/brothel because the owner of the old place didn't "respect" her. We updated each other on how each of our siblings are doing as they grow older.

As I left she asked me to pray for her, like she always does when we visit.

And I cried the whole drive home. Because that is all I can ever do- I say "me too", I pray, and then I drive away. Somehow it just doesn't seem like enough anymore.

I'm sorry there isn't a nice little bow to wrap it all up at the end of this one guys. It's just one of those nights.