Sealed

Seal /siːl/ noun Definition:

1. a device or substance that is used to join two things together so as to prevent them coming apart or to prevent anything passing between them. 

2. a piece of wax, lead, or other material with an individual design stamped into it, attached to a document as a guarantee of authenticity.

I have news! I have been accepted into the Center for Action and Contemplation's Living School.

I applied to this school last fall after an intense month of fasting and prayer. I spent a lot of time trying to understand my motivations, to make sure I wasn't doing this as an escape, a form of validation, or an ego boost. After a lot of soul searching, I decided that I needed to take steps toward things that would bring a greater wholeness and inner healing, rather than outward service. For a time at least, I knew I needed to learn to receive and grow. I realized that I have spent a lot of time trying to bring people a peace and healing that I have not fully received myself. If I truly want to help people and love them and bring about new life, I need to fully experience that within myself.

So I applied, unsure of whether I would be accepted (the tradition of this school generally includes folks who are older and have more life experience). I decided that if I was accepted, I was definitely going to move back to America in July of 2018 when the school began.

Now here I am. To my great surprise, I have been accepted. I am overjoyed at the opportunity to take part in this school with great spiritual teachers that I have followed for years. But at the same time, I am struggling deeply with leaving Cambodia.

Here in Cambodia I have drastically changed on a fundamental level. I was recently reading old private writings from when I first arrived, and I was shocked at how angry and chaotic my poor heart was. I used to carry so much fear, judgment, and shame. There was a disconnectedness within myself. And while I can look back at who I was with love, I also know how terribly broken she was. If I'm being honest, there is a part of me that is afraid of losing all of this growth when I leave the place that was the catalyst for my new life.

I'm still broken, but I am moving toward wholeness. I am learning to unite my spirit and my mind. Learning to be authentic and brave and full. While still struggling with the ego-driven need to explain my decision and validate my experience. In that I've been clinging to these images and analogies of what the next two years will be. I previously talked about how I was given the phrase that it will be a time of "cleaning the sacred spaces".

Yesterday I met an amazing woman who spent 16 years working in South Africa with the AIDS crisis (and a host of social issues stemming from that). She carried such an excitement and support for my journey, even after knowing me for only a few hours. She gave me the image of a seal, and said she believes that's what this journey will be for me. A time of sealing together my bond with the Divine, so that nothing threatens to separate these parts of myself. A time of bringing about unity and authenticity.

I've got to tell you guys- as scary as it is to look ahead to such a huge transition, it's also invigorating to know that there is so much more ahead than I ever could have known. I'm only at the beginning of this grand journey through life, and I am beyond amazed at all I have seen and have yet to see. All I have known and have yet to know. Thank you all for coming alongside me in this grand wilderness.