Grant me the serenity

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

The Serenity prayer, I remember first hearing of it when I was in a 12 step program in my teenage years. Since then I have repeated the prayer to myself in particularly difficult times. 

Today was one of those times. Those moments when your heart is broken so deeply that you have to beg God for the strength to make it through. 

I was in a village that my organization recently began reaching out to. As usual, I would ask to hold most babies I came across. As I held one particular child, the woman who handed him to me began to gesture as if she wanted me to go away. She pointed to the child and pointed to me and gestured for us to go. One of my Khmer coworkers and friends began to listen to the woman and translate to me what she was saying. 

The child was her nephew, the child of her younger sister. The mother was barely 17, the father in prison. They were a shame to the family because they weren't married. The baby boy had asthma and there was no way for them to afford additional medical bills. This woman was asking me to take the child as my own. As we stood there she began to become more adamant, as the child looked at me she would gesture to me calling me "mother". It was all I could do to hold this sweet boy without crying. 

In these villages I stick out as a foreigner, I've been in places where people have "joked" about selling their child to me so the child would have a better life. But this was the first time where they were completely genuine, asking me to just take the child and give them nothing in return. I held this unwanted baby in my arms, wishing I could tell him as he grows that he is always infinitely wanted. 

As I held him, I begged God for serenity.... the serenity to accept that I cannot take this beautiful boy from his community. The serenity to know that there are "unwanted" children like him all over the world that will never even be held. Serenity to keep me from falling into a puddle on the floor because it is all too much. 

In that moment, I was reminded of the beauty of the serenity prayer- that it moves beyond acceptance of what is into courage of what can be. 

So I will continue to ask for the courage to change the things I can. I will be brave enough to wake up each morning and resist the urge to turn away from suffering. I will courageously love these children for the moments I am with them, without worrying about the time when I won't be around. I will continue to invest in and support this organization I love that is going to support this community for years to come, long after I have moved on...

In these moments I cry out in grief and hope- God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.