I Am Valuable

I recently received a very generous donation from a very amazing couple. At seeing the notification of this, I gasped and then began to cry. My crying went from being full of gratefulness, to a full on panic attack. I cried myself to sleep, asking God why I would feel so much guilt for someone supporting me.

I spent all day today thinking and praying and contemplating this. You know what I realized?

I am afraid to accept love. I only accept love from people when I feel as though I have something to offer them, a way to prove my value. 

I have done this in every relationship I have ever had, even with my family and dearest friends. I always have had some way to make their lives better, to help them in some way. But I have nothing to offer this couple, they live in another country and there is nothing I can do to repay them. They gave with nothing to be gained.

That is a beautiful thing, a love that gives expecting nothing in return. Some would say that is the love of God.

All my life I have been trying to prove myself to... to my parents, to my god, to everyone around me. I have always been told that God loves us regardless of what we have to offer, because we are in God and God is in us. I am just now beginning to see this. As with so many other things lately, the ideas I always said I believed are finally starting to take form and be the reality in my heart.

I am learning that we are meant to love and value our neighbors as ourselves. Not instead of ourselves or above ourselves, but as ourselves. We are all spiritual beings, we all have God within us. Call me new age-y, but I believe that firmly. It's time I start living it out for myself as I do for others.  Honestly, I cannot say that I love and value myself now. But hopefully one day soon, I will be able to say it and mean it.