Comparison

I had a pretty difficult childhood. I was forced into situations that were abnormal for a young girl. Im not complaining, these things made me into who I need to be. 

Still, I remember being frustrated at my friends feeling the need to qualify their pain in front of me. It would be something along the lines of "I'm so stressed with all this responsibility! But it's nothing compared to what you've been through..." Or even worse, they would refuse to tell me about their struggles because they felt they were petty. I hated the idea that my story made them feel their story was less important. 

But despite all that, I did the same thing. If I spoke about my hurt it was always with the caveat that other people in third world countries had it worse. I'd tell people that honestly my life has been a cakewalk because I've never been trafficked, beat, or starved. 

On rare occasions, this thinking can be helpful. When life is so unbearable that you can't take another day, there is comfort in knowing that someone else went through worse and survived. It's a good tool when you've hit rock bottom, but I think it's harmful if used for the long-term. If we always compare our pain to someone else's then we take away what our pain has to teach us. Rather than blowing off our struggles, we should be digging into them; we should find out how we can learn for next time and which parts of us need to be made stronger. 

When a 16 year old breaks up with her significant other, she is experiencing the deepest pain she has  ever known. If we tell her to suck it up and that its normal, she will generally go from one relationship to the next, allowing the pain to increase with each partner. Brought to the extreme, for many this leads to abusive relationships that are "normal" in the mind of the abused. What if instead we addressed this teenager's struggle for what it is? We can tell her that we are sorry she hurts and that we can't take the pain away, but that through this she can learn about vulnerability, trust, and healthy boundaries. Rather than comparing her hurt to the rest of the world, she can allow it to make her a stronger, happier person. 

Again, I'm not trying to negate the struggles of the third world. My heart breaks for the malnourished child, the wounded soldier, and the trafficked woman. I'm just saying that we all know pain on whatever scale our life has handed us. We also all know great joy and hope. Let's stop comparing our stories and instead make better ones.