It was there all along.

I spent this past weekend in the province of Svay Rieng. My dear friends and former coworkers at Children At Risk invited me to join them (and a team from Taiwan) for some well drilling and community work in a village where they are building a new center.

When we went I had the chance to see how the well drilling process goes from start until the water begins to burst from the ground. I was struck by it all. They choose the spot where they will drill, and simply begin to go at it, pushing a huge metal pole into the ground until the water begins to flow (that's the simplified explanation). The family the well was being drilled for had been struggling without clean water to drink. They would go door to door trying to ask their neighbors if they had water to spare. The dirty water they did have would rust and discolor all of their plates and utensils. All the while, there was clean water running underneath their land.

I thought about how that water was always there, they just didn't have the means to access it. They weren't given something new, but rather given the ability and tools to reach that which was already theirs to begin with.

A lot of spiritual teachers and mystics I have been reading lately (such as Richard Rohr) speak about faith and spirituality as being something that happens to you rather than something you achieve. God and the Divine are always working, the change comes for us when we begin to realize and access that. I never understood that idea until recently.

I am experiencing so much growth and inner healing right now, and I'm realizing that it's not due to any changes in my situation or environment. Quite the opposite, these things I have begun to see were always there and I am only now learning to see them within myself and others. It's an amazing experience, I'm excited to see the waters continue to flow.

The Unanswered Questions

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer"
-Rainer Maria Rile

This year has certainly been one of new growth and realizations, but this month has been especially intense, as I've explored my connection to God and to the world around me. Two radically life changing things happened inside of me.

First, some interactions with a few dear friends on a mission trip team led me to discover my hidden motivations, the reasons I do what I do. Through this process, I came to the realization that I've been working furiously to prove myself. When I was young, someone I loved dearly said some very hurtful, abusive things. Their words accused me of being useless, selfish, and beyond redemption. My friend helped me see how I've been fighting against these words for the past ten years, trying to prove to the world that I'm useful, generous, and worthy. I think these are wonderful things; being useful, generous, and worthy are certainly something to aspire to. But I was doing them out of shame and fear, rather than from my wholeness. I was insecure, and frantically trying to fill that insecurity by proving something. Since seeing this motivation, I am working on going down the path of inner-healing. I am excited to see the person I continue to become as I work through this.

Second, I parted ways with the organization I've been with since January. At the time I joined them, the hope was for me to engage in social community-based programs to enable and empower children and families. These included a sewing program, soap distribution, and a school/kids center in a troubled village. Recently, the organization decided to narrow the scope of their ministry to focus primarily on well drilling and construction (homes and toilets). Both of these are wonderful things, but they're not where my heart is, and they're not my mission in the world. Those are not my passion, nor my strength. I think I have found that one of my main gifts to the world is that I connect with individuals, building relationships and helping people to see their own value. Rather than hide that gift, squelch my passion, and go off mission to get a job done, I decided it was best to leave the construction and well drilling in their capable hands and move on. The functions they perform are vital to the communities they work in, and they have an able staff who will ensure they succeed.

While I parted from this organization on good terms and still have the upmost respect for them, this was quite difficult for me. I have struggled with co-dependency, which means that it has been extremely difficult for me to say no and/or set boundaries. When I quit, it was the first time in my life that I left something or someone entirely of my own volition. It was breaking a pattern that I have had for years. I fully believe it was the right decision and have peace in it, but it wasn't easy.

Now, all that to say, it has been an exciting time! These hard things have brought me a very new awareness of myself. I am proud of myself for coming to terms with these things, and moving forward, but I have realized that I need to take some time to continue growing as an individual.

I went on a silent retreat this weekend, and it was truly a life changing experience. Through it, I was able to move a lot of things from head knowledge into my heart space, so they became deeply real to me – rather than simple facts. It was a beautiful time, and has given me a fresh perspective on so many things, most that I do not even know how to put into words. It has also shown me that I need to take the time to be – without using the busyness of life and work to make me feel valued.

Rather than moving to a new organization immediately, I am going to take some time to simply be. I will be leading visiting teams for the next month, but after that I will be taking a month without working for any specific organization. I have realized that I tend to place my identity in whatever project or work I am involved in. Since I was 12 years old I have had people that "needed" me. I haven't firmly established who I am, when I am not needed or helping someone, and I think it's time I did so.

I strongly believe in dying to yourself for something bigger (some call it God). But I also think that you must find yourself before you can fully lose yourself. I'm sorry if this doesn't make complete sense, as I'm simply allowing my heart to put the words on this page, without trying to filter them too much. I am coming into a time of unanswered questions. When people ask me what I do or how much longer I'll be in Cambodia, I don't know what I will tell them. But I choose to face the unknown in hopes of finding a fuller, more loving life.

I am so thankful for those of you who have already been so supportive in this journey. I am excited for all of the beautiful things this will lead to, and I'm even more excited for the process of getting there.

I Am Valuable

I recently received a very generous donation from a very amazing couple. At seeing the notification of this, I gasped and then began to cry. My crying went from being full of gratefulness, to a full on panic attack. I cried myself to sleep, asking God why I would feel so much guilt for someone supporting me.

I spent all day today thinking and praying and contemplating this. You know what I realized?

I am afraid to accept love. I only accept love from people when I feel as though I have something to offer them, a way to prove my value. 

I have done this in every relationship I have ever had, even with my family and dearest friends. I always have had some way to make their lives better, to help them in some way. But I have nothing to offer this couple, they live in another country and there is nothing I can do to repay them. They gave with nothing to be gained.

That is a beautiful thing, a love that gives expecting nothing in return. Some would say that is the love of God.

All my life I have been trying to prove myself to... to my parents, to my god, to everyone around me. I have always been told that God loves us regardless of what we have to offer, because we are in God and God is in us. I am just now beginning to see this. As with so many other things lately, the ideas I always said I believed are finally starting to take form and be the reality in my heart.

I am learning that we are meant to love and value our neighbors as ourselves. Not instead of ourselves or above ourselves, but as ourselves. We are all spiritual beings, we all have God within us. Call me new age-y, but I believe that firmly. It's time I start living it out for myself as I do for others.  Honestly, I cannot say that I love and value myself now. But hopefully one day soon, I will be able to say it and mean it.

One Year Anniversary!

Yesterday marked the one year anniversary of my moving to Cambodia. To celebrate, I took the day off any and all work. I decided I would like to get a massage, go on a riverboat tour, and finish the night off on a sky bar overlooking the city. My roommate came with me for a lovely massage and as we were in our Tuk Tuk driving to the riverside for the boat tour, the rain began to come down. Now I'm talking Cambodia-style rain, full on flooding and winds and chaos. This meant no river tour as planned. My roommate and I ducked from the Tuk Tuk into a restaurant to avoid being completely drenched. 

And as we sat in this restaurant and talked about the experiences of the past year, there was not even a hint of sadness or anger for the changed plans. Because that is the beauty I have come to find in Cambodia, it is that nothing is ever set in stone. In this country, you could plan your little heart out, and still there is no way of knowing what the actual outcome will be. Any plan you have is turned completely upside down, and instead you are left with something even better. 

I had so many fears and expectations when I came here. And honestly, most of them haven't come to fruition. I say that in complete joy, because I have gotten so much more than I ever could have expected. More friendship, more growth, more love than I anticipated. 

This has been a year of discovery, about myself and others. When I left everything I had ever known, I was only left with myself. For the first time, I was able to take a good, hard look at myself and recognize my desires and capabilities. I was able to see people without my usual biases and expectations, to see friendship and relationship in new ways. I could go on for ages, each month here has brought on new lessons to be learned and love to be experienced. 

But it all boils down to this; In Cambodia I have learned to love. As cheesy as it sounds, this is the place where I have found myself. And I am so terribly excited for all that is still to come in this amazing country. 

Do not be afraid.

More than 350 times. The Bible says "Do not be afraid" or "Fear not"- literally hundreds of times. It's as if there is this common refrain from start to finish of releasing ourselves from fear, a constant push toward freedom.

Yet we live in fear so often. I know I certainly do. I am afraid that I am not enough. I am afraid of how others see me, I am afraid they will think I am selfish. I am afraid that I can only be loved when I have something to offer. I am afraid I will never be known.

I have come to believe that fear is the root of all evil. We hoard money and things because we are afraid of going without. We fall into pride and shame because we are afraid we aren't worthy of love. We hurt others because we are afraid they will hurt us. The people who do the most disgusting things in this world are simply scared children, afraid they will lose if they stop fighting.

That is the beautiful thing about this Christ story. The idea is that Love came to get down and dirty with us, to get into all our messed up parts. And that Love was so perfect that it drove out the fear. We cannot simultaneously be driven by love and fear, there can only be one. When we choose to let love be the thing that runs our lives, fear can no longer hold the reins.

I have a big decision to make soon about my time in Cambodia and what the rest of that will look  like. Truth be told, I am afraid. I am afraid that I will make a choice that leaves other people hurt and angry. But if I can draw closer to the love, I think I can make a decision that brings the most healing, both to myself and others.

Pray for me friends, a time of change is coming!

It's in the past.

I am currently co-leading a team with Steps of Justice. At the beginning of these trips we take everyone to S-21, a school turned into a torture chamber during the mass genocide 40 years ago. I didn't go in, as I have done it before and knew it would destroy me for at least a few days.

As I was sitting in the coffee shop across the street I watched the Khmer people as they lived and worked around this huge historical building. A man near me asked what we were doing there and I said our team was in the museum, when I asked him if he had ever been to the museum he sort of nodded. Something struck me though, he absolutely refused to look at the building. As I looked around, I realized that was everyone. These people worked on the same street as this massive building and yet they refused to actually see it. They averted their eyes, they focussed on something else, they always stopped short of really taking it in.

It made me think about how we as people deal with traumatic experiences. Whether it be a genocide or divorce, abuse or loneliness, we all have our pain. We are all a lot more similar than we realize.

I have my own museum of pain, the memories of trauma and abandonment. I tell myself that because I have wrapped it up nicely and let people in that I have overcome it, that it is in the past and doesn't affect me anymore. But the reality is that I refuse to look at it. Like the Cambodians at S21, my life is run by this thing that I am unwilling to see. Because if I really see it, I know I will live it all again.

I'm sick of living this way, I hate pretending that the past doesn't matter when it is informing all my decisions. I want to learn to see my past for the beautiful parts and the painful parts. Then I want to live my life based on the Ultimate Truth behind it all. I don't know how I'll get there, but I know that is a life worth living.

Growing Pains

When I was about 9 years old I had a huge growth spurt. Each night I would wake up in tears because of intense cramps in my legs. I was growing so quickly that my body could not keep up with it and would ache terribly. Each night I would come to my parents crying because it hurt so badly, and almost every night for months they would draw a warm bath for me to soak my sore muscles in. Over time those growing pains came less often, and before I knew it I was hardly looking like a child anymore!

I am going to be honest with you guys, I am in a period with intense growing pains right now. On more nights than I like to admit, I cry myself to sleep because my spirit and my mind ache from the changes. It's not that I hate my life, quite the opposite actually. I love what I'm doing, who I'm working with, and the culture in which I'm living. Every day my heart is filled by the wonderful life I'm having the opportunity to take part in, and almost every night my heart aches from the walls being spread so thin. I am growing. I am learning. I am becoming.

I am learning that my value does not solely lie in what I can achieve or who I can help.
I am learning to not cling so tightly to a specific circumstance or season.
I am learning I cannot change others, I can only honor where they are.
I am learning that success is not only in my hands, but a team effort.
I am learning to honor the journey over the destination.
I am learning that it is okay to ask for help.
I am learning how to say no sometimes.
I am learning that I need people.
I am learning how to rest.

Each time I look ahead at one of these learning experiences I am knocked down by my inability to overcome. Each time I look back at one of these experiences I am amazed at how much more I have become. Like with my yoga practice, I am frequently sore and achy, but always astonished by how much stronger I am than I was the day before.

I thank this country for all I am experiencing here. I love this place because I am happy and sad and whole and broken and growing.