Learning to feel.

Most of you know that I spent the last month without a job. After a few life-changing events over the past year, I realized that I needed to take some time to simply be rather than always focussing on doing. In this I found that I have always used work (monetary work or volunteer work) to distract myself. I poured myself into other tasks and people to avoid what was happening within my own heart.

Being busy and helping others has been my drug. When my emotions were too confusing or intense I would shut them off and instead focus on someone else's struggle. Because it was easier to help them than it was to help myself. The problem is that like any other drug, you need more and more to feel satisfied; Until you reach the point where you are only a shell of the addiction. Even my loss of faith was triggered not by my own suffering, but by seeing the most extreme suffering in others after working with the aftermath of a natural disaster and slavery.

So this past month without work, it has been my rehab. Truth be told, it really did feel like I was going through withdrawals in the beginning. Out of nowhere I would burst into tears, having no idea why. Or, I would suddenly be overwhelmed with joy and laugh for no reason at all. There was a week where I couldn't sleep properly for days, I just laid awake wrestling my thoughts. Other times, I couldn't summon the energy to get out of bed and slept for unreasonable amounts of time, losing track of the days. Oftentimes I would feel completely numb, without anyone else to pull emotion from I had to look my own feelings right in the eye and welcome them back in. I needed to make amends with myself.

Now, a month into the process, I feel unlike I ever have. I have learned to sit with my own emotions without seeing them as my enemy. I can be sad or happy or tired, but I am still me. I recently helped a friend with a project for a kids' program. I have done that type of work so many times, but this time it felt new. Before I would have used something like that to feel okay about myself, to feel fulfilled. Now, I am already fulfilled and the joy of the work simply adds to my life.

I've learned a lot of other lessons in this time. On a daily basis I have spent hours reading, reflecting, writing and in contemplative prayer, because of this it feels like I've had the growth and learning of a year in only one short month. Yet through it all, this is the most beautiful lesson I have learned yet. I have learned that I am a whole person, I am able to feel and love and be valuable simply because I am. And more than anything, I am excited to see all of the beautiful things that come out of this foundation.